What do we mean by a sense of purpose? It’s the drive to do something which we feel is of value. Humans have an innate desire to gather knowledge and experiences. And then to share that learning with others.
Evolution selected this urge because it enhanced survival prospects for the individual and the tribe. This urge continues to work silently and unnoticed within us to this day. It’s directly related to our ancient need to be heard, wanted and valued.
People with a sense of purpose thrive in today’s challenging world because;
- They are curious, present and alert.
- They approach life with intent, focus and drive.
- They apply themselves to reach their goals.
In Rule 4, we will cover;
Part 1
- Why people are driven to learn and share knowledge.
- What does having a sense of purpose look like?
- The link between purpose and a fulfilled life.
- Why it’s never been harder for children to develop a sense of purpose;
Part 2
5. How to guide your child to create a sense of purpose.
Why are people driven to Learn and Share Knowledge?
In Rule Three, I talked about how vital tribes were for the survival of our Hunter-Gatherer ancestors. And why, when people listen to us, we feel respected and valued. It meets an ancient need and makes us feel good.
To fulfil this need and enhance our survival, humans evolved to be curious. We developed a desire to learn, so we had things of value to say. We are driven to learn and share knowledge. This desire is at the heart of a sense of purpose.
And sharing learning was good for the whole tribe. So maybe this gave birth to a notion crucial to a sense of purpose – that there are higher goals than self-interest to work towards in life.
What does having a sense of purpose look like?
It will differ across cultures and from person to person. It will be found in thousands of jobs, roles, past times or callings. But it will always contain these key points;
- Being present and focused. I.e. your mind in the here and now. It is the opposite of the distracted person lost in their own thoughts and fantasy world.
- Curiosity and interest in the world around you. The ability to see beyond what’s in front of you and grasp the ‘big picture’.
- The imagination to conjure up choices, options and opportunities.
- Trust and faith in yourself and your personal strengths.
- The belief that you can drive change for the better. And the ambition to do so. This also involves the sense of working towards a higher goal than our own agenda.
Points three, four and five arise out of a High IDQ.
The Link between Purpose and a Fulfilled Life
Our aim here is not to direct where or how a child’s sense of purpose leads them. But we can say what strengths will help them discover their own path. And with those strengths, they will develop a sense of purpose that perfectly fits their unique selves.
Let’s start with being present. This means engaging with the natural world rather than being locked into an inner fantasy world. The ability to connect, grasp and deal with the real world has become such a challenge that a whole industry has grown up in response (Mindfulness).
Moving on to curiosity and imagination. These strengths lead to experience and learning. They allow someone to conjure up possibilities in their thoughts.
Add a High IDQ, and your child will be ready to find their place in the world and feel they have something of value to contribute.
Put all that together, and you have a sense of purpose.
With these strengths, your child will have what they need to find a meaningful role in life. Whatever the culture or beliefs and values of the environment they come from. They have a head start on living a fulfilled life.
Two Pitfalls for Parents to Avoid
Modern life is full of lures that can distract your child from this goal. The worst are those that give them a short attention span, difficulty concentrating and dulled curiosity and imagination.
The most common in modern society are;
- Mobile Phones and screens.
- Overuse of rewards.
To see how mobile phones and the overuse of rewards can do this, it helps to learn something about Dopamine and addiction.
What is Dopamine?1
Have you been looking at your phone in the last few minutes? What about in the previous 10 minutes or an hour? And, if so, how often? For most people, the answer would be “yes”, and quite a lot.
The use of smartphones and screens has seen a dramatic rise, driven by a tiny particle called Dopamine.
Our brains love Dopamine. It’s a chemical that makes us feel good. We get a surge of Dopamine when we do things that meet basic needs – like feeling safe, connected, or valued. And that warm feeling you get when everyone laughs at your joke.
Phones and screens have worked out how to trigger dopamine bursts. This makes them very addictive. And it’s important to us at an Identity level because it links to our need for safety, belonging, esteem and capability.
When your phone pings with a new message or notification – Dopamine! When someone likes your post – Dopamine! When you beat a high score – Dopamine!
At first, these hits feel great. But we have evolved to be curious and try new things. And so Dopamine is triggered more by new activities.
When we repeat the same things, the feel-good effect gets less each time. After a while, the payback for getting a notification on your phone is less satisfying.
Over time, you need more and more to get the same rush. Your brain starts wanting you to check for more pings and likes.
Games and social media keep giving you unpredictable rewards. Your brain never knows when the next hit will come. This keeps you hooked.
Plus, phones and screens provide endless new things to trigger dopamine – videos, photos, and articles. Your brain can’t resist seeking novelty.
Late-night screen time can mess up your sleep, so you need more Dopamine from screens to stay alert. It becomes a cycle!
The nonstop Dopamine traps you in addiction-like habits. Kids hunting for Dopamine casually flit from one scene to another in real life as they do on screens.
They often live within themselves and cannot absorb, understand or interact with what’s happening around them. They are not connecting to the real world in any meaningful way.
You cannot be ‘present’ in this distracted state. Your imagination and curiosity are dulled. Your talents and vision are limited to what can get you the next Dopamine reward. Your sense of purpose has been erased!
Hijacked by Rewards:
My neighbour was shocked by her teenage daughter. She’d asked her to clean her car, only for her daughter to look into her purse and say, “No it’s OK, I don’t need to”.
The teenager wasn’t being rude or difficult. Her parents had used rewards while she was growing up. They believed they would spur her on. So they paid her for doing jobs to support the family.
But she was getting dopamine from the rewards. And, over time, this replaced her natural selfless motivation.
My neighbour’s daughter was born with a natural, innate desire to be of use to her ‘tribe’. The use of rewards by her parents hijacked her motivation.
They turned her natural inner desire to help, into a selfish need for external rewards.
Read For Pizza
A similar thing happened when a pizza firm ran a campaign with schools to boost reading. When a child had finished a book, their teacher could give them a slip to exchange for a free pizza.
At first, the idea seemed to be a success. Children who didn’t like to read started to. They chose easy books with few pages. But, no matter, they were now reading.
Almost as quickly, though, the children who were good readers dumbed down the books they read. They chose shorter and easier texts so they could get more pizza.
After a while, the scheme came to an end. And ALL the children stopped reading. The project had been a damaging failure.
Again, Dopamine was at work. Reading a book is fun, but it takes time and effort. When the pizzas came along, the children found a quicker way to get their shot of feel-good.
The Dopamine reward came when the child held that slip in their hands. And then again, when they got the free pizza. They were no longer reading for the pleasure of reading itself. They were reading for pizza.
And so, their inner joy of reading was replaced by the easy Dopamine boost from pizza. When the pizzas stopped, so did the reading.
An Erased Sense of Purpose
The overuse of rewards leads to a thirst for more prizes. And mobile phones, gaming or screens create cravings. They both damage your child’s ability to focus and be in the present. That’s why these habits prevent a child from developing a sense of purpose or erase it if they have one.
These children can appear withdrawn as they flit from one thing to another. They are driven by dopamine to keep searching for something, anything.
The overuse of rewards leads to a thirst for more prizes. And mobile phones, gaming or screens create cravings. They both damage your child’s ability to focus and be in the present. That’s why these habits prevent a child from developing a sense of purpose or erase it if they have one.
For these reasons, experts believe children are losing their way. They struggle to find meaning in their lives.2
In conclusion, having a sense of purpose is essential for thriving in today’s challenging world.
People with a sense of purpose are curious, present and alert. They approach life with intent, focus and drive. They apply themselves to reach their goals.
A sense of purpose directly relates to our ancient need to be heard, wanted and valued.
It’s the drive to do something which we feel is of value. Humans have an innate desire to gather knowledge and experiences and then share that learning with others.
Up Next: Rule 4, Part 2: How To Instill A Sense of Purpose
We need to help kids manage screen time and use rewards effectively. And do this in a way that nurtures their natural curiosity, imagination and a High IDQ.
In Rule 4, Part 2, we’ll explore ideas for achieving these goals. By using these strategies, we can help kids stay focused, present, and happy in their lives.
Click the link below and explore Rule 4, Part 2, to nurture your child’s sense of purpose and positively impact their well-being.
Previous Chapter: Rule 3. How to Listen to Your Children, So Your Children Listen to You
The 5 Rules for Inspirational Parenting Index
References
1Anna Lembke, Dopamine Nation
2The Path to Purpose, William Damon.
- Schultz, W. (1998). Predictive reward signal of dopamine neurons. Journal of neurophysiology, 80(1), 1-27.
- Volkow, N. D., Wang, G. J., Fowler, J. S., Tomasi, D., & Telang, F. (2011). Addiction: beyond dopamine reward circuitry. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 108(37), 15037-15042.
How smartphones and social media manipulate Dopamine:
- O’Neill, B., & Dinh, T. (2015). Mobile Technologies and the Digitization of Relationships: Individual and Interpersonal Effects, in SNS and Implications for Wellbeing. In Psychology of Well-Being (pp. 273-293). Springer, Dordrecht.
- Sherman, L. E., Payton, A. A., Hernandez, L. M., Greenfield, P. M., & Dapretto, M. (2016). The power of the like in adolescence: Effects of peer influence on neural and behavioural responses to social media. Psychological Science, 27(7), 1027-1035.
Video games, Dopamine and addiction:
- Koepp, M. J., Gunn, R. N., Lawrence, A. D., Cunningham, V. J., Dagher, A., Jones, T., … & Grasby, P. M. (1998). Evidence for striatal dopamine release during a video game. Nature, 393(6682), 266-268.
- Weinstein, A. M. (2010). Computer and video game addiction—a comparison between game users and non-game users. The American journal of drug and alcohol abuse, 36(5), 268-276.
Pizza Reading Campaigns
- Alfie Kohn, Punished By Rewards: Twenty-Fifth Anniversary Edition: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes. 1993 Houghton Mifflin.
- McClung, N., Pompper, D., & Kinnally, W. (2019). The Functions of Pizza: A Case Study of Children’s Literacy Motivation Campaigns. International Journal of Communication, 13, 22.
- Cameron, J., & Pierce, W. D. (1994). Reinforcement, reward, and intrinsic motivation: A meta-analysis. Review of Educational Research, 64(3), 363-423.
- Marinak, B. A., & Gambrell, L. B. (2008). Intrinsic motivation and rewards: What sustains young children’s engagement with text?. Literacy Research and Instruction, 47(1), 9-26.