A note before you start: this story involves suicide and young children. Everyone in it is safe by the end.
In the sombre quiet of her car, Jacqui sat motionless
The only sound in the dark was her children’s soft breathing. They were asleep and blissfully unaware of the hosepipe snaking in from the exhaust.
Jacqui knew they were alone in this secluded spot, undisturbed until morning. And she was determined to follow a path to eternal rest.
No one was around to find her, to convince her to think again and turn her away from that tragic path.
So, please take a moment to consider this. What if a saviour did emerge? A hero to convince Jacqui to reconsider, to pause and give herself and her children time to work things out?
Just how hard a job would that be?
And what if that hero was you? Picture the enormity of the challenge, the pressure you’d be under. Where would you start? How would you find the composure or the right words?
Simpler Times
Jacqui’s story began in simpler times. A resilient single mother, she had raised Robbie alone. Tony, a reformed gambling addict, came into their lives, bringing hope and companionship.
Together, they began to make a happy life, supporting each other through times that were often challenging. Two more children came along, and they were sure the worst of their troubles were behind them.
Although money was tight, their home in the Midlands of the UK was happy. Working at the local car factory, Tony had found a community and stability, even as the industry’s economic tides ebbed and flowed.
But fate is often unkind. A few years later, a sudden job loss shook Tony. Desperation led him to fall once more for the false promises of gambling. He gave in to the cruel fantasy that games of chance would win him the money he needed for his family.
In the clutches of his old demons, his descent back into addiction was rapid, dragging the family into a menacing world of ruthless moneylenders and debt.
The loan sharks were cold and callous, lurking in the shadows of backroom gambling and drug dealing. When they came to collect, Tony vanished; he hoped to protect his family and buy time to find the money he needed to pay them off.
Tony was nowhere to be found.
But the predators weren’t to be deterred. In a cruel twist of fate, they found Robbie. They saw him as the way to get their money. So they took him.
The police response was immediate, with negotiators stepping in, trying desperately to secure Robbie’s safe release.
Enter Eddard, The Police Negotiator
Eddard was a seasoned police negotiator, and by then, we had already been working together for some time on what I would later call ‘The 7 Skills to impress™.’
He was no stranger to desperate situations. Eddard’s career had been a series of life-and-death scenarios across the UK and worldwide. He was ready and prepared for the worst cases.
Yet Robbie’s negotiation never got started and quickly went out of control. The vultures were high on drugs and alcohol and were not to be reasoned with. Despite Eddard’s best efforts, the talks ended in a heart-wrenching tragedy.
I shall spare you the harrowing details, but know that his passing left an indelible scar on everyone involved.
Jacqui’s life, once filled with hope, now lay in ruins
Tony, unable to live with what he’d done, soon followed Robbie in a tragic echo of loss. Now Jacqui was alone with her grief and her two young children.
Fast forward 18 months, and we find Jacqui in that quiet, dark place, her young children in their child seats, asleep in the back of her car.
Their innocence, in the face of a cruel world, terrified Jacqui.
She thought of Robbie momentarily, how she missed him, and her love for him.
She thought of Tony, his journey to redemption from gambling and then back to despair. She forgave him.
Jacqui’s hand hovered, ready to turn on the engine.
Jacqui’s phone lay in her lap as she thought about a final message to her best friend. Suddenly, it rang. Instinctively, she answered. It was Eddard.
Jacqui Picked Up, Eddard Got to Work
Yet again, Eddard found himself entwined in Jacqui’s world. So much water had flowed under the bridge since the tragic day of Robbie’s loss.
Eddard had done many, many jobs in that time. A roller coaster of high and low emotions. Robbie’s case was still at the back of his mind but buried under time and events.
The situation was unfolding quickly. Eddard’s only leads were a hastily sketched outline and a phone number given by a concerned friend.
The connection to Jacqui, and through her to Robbie, had not yet formed in his mind.
The 7 Skills to impress™
Focused and methodical, Eddard began his process. He leaned on his vast experience and the emerging strands of the 7 Skills to impress™.
He always began with the first three Skills:
This powerful trio is often shortened to: IMP
Eddard said that IMP changed the whole dynamic of his work. They allowed him to think clearly, control his emotions, and thrive under pressure while building magnetic connections with people.
He began with an Outcome (Skill 1), and clearly, he wanted Jacqui to tell him where she was so he could send immediate help.
He managed his State (Skill 2) with 7 – 11 breathing.
Practice Rapport, Skill 3, was a dependable tool he had mastered over countless high-stakes situations. He regarded its effect as almost magical.
Eddard steadied his breathing. He’d done this a hundred times, but rarely with this much at stake.
Rapport was what he focused on with Jacqui right away. Gently, he coaxed her into speaking.
As Eddard slowly built Rapport, he began breaking down her defensive wall. He was laying the foundations for her confidence and trust in him to grow.
Everything seemed to be going well.
But, unknown to Eddard, Jacqui had recognised his voice from that fateful negotiation 18 months before
He seemed different to her now, his tone more personal, his words reaching out to her with unexpected warmth.
Eddard was gently weaving a thread of hope into their conversation.
But he was becoming increasingly puzzled about something. He didn’t understand why Jacqui was talking, as if she knew him. His mind was racing.
For a Fleeting Second, Eddard Was Shaken
Just as hope seemed to flicker, Eddard’s memory of Jacqui and the loss of Robbie came flooding back. All the horror and tragedy of that day momentarily filled his thoughts.
He was shaken for a fleeting second. Eddard, always the model of composure in the face of crisis, was surprised by the tightness in his throat.
His brief lapse was subtle, a rare ripple in his usual calm. In an instant, he regained his focus. But he knew this brief stumble had weakened the Rapport he’d carefully built with Jacqui.
And then she said something that made his blood run cold:
I know what you’re trying to do. Thank you, but I know what I have to do. Don’t blame yourself, I’m going to put the phone down …
The line went ominously silent.
There was no doubt in anyone’s mind about what this meant! The tension was palpable.
In that critical moment, Eddard had mere seconds to respond. Later, we agreed that he had no more than three seconds to come up with whatever he could to save their lives.
Remember what I said at the opening of this chapter? What if it was your job to divert Jacqui from her dark path? How would you keep your composure? What would you say?
You’ve got three seconds.
You’re Not in Control of Your Mind
The line was silent. Around Eddard, his team had frozen, and nobody could think of a single thing to say. All he had to work with were words.
What he needed to reach was Jacqui’s subconscious, the part of the mind that makes our split-second decisions and reactions before we’re even aware of them. Eighteen months of grief had kept her attention fixed on one belief, that there was no hope left for her, and her subconscious was acting on it.
Eddard’s subconscious was working too, and his was on his side. Years of practising IMP meant his Outcome, his Managed State and the Rapport he’d built with Jacqui were all there without him having to think about them. The same force that was pushing Jacqui towards the end was giving Eddard his best chance of bringing her back.
He had been using Skill 4, Reveal Persuasion Pathways, to listen to the way Jacqui spoke and work out how best to reach her. With Skills 5, 6 and 7, the Elevate Formula, Stay in Accord and Speechcraft, he was looking for the words that would draw on her own strength and her love for her children.
And this is what Eddard used the 7 Skills for.
The Moment of Truth
In a heartbeat, Eddard started to talk.
He wasn’t sure what would come out of his mouth. But he knew the 7 Skills would lead him where he needed to go with a deft blend of Resistance Breakers, Embedded Commands, Tag Questions, and Flow Words.
His subconscious was led by his Outcome, his calm ‘Managed State’ and the Rapport he’d built with Jacqui (IMP). And then, so it seemed to him, the words just flowed:
I know you’re going to put the phone down, and before you do, I’d like to ask you one question…
On the page they look like ordinary words, and Jacqui heard them as ordinary words. Each of the three phrases had its own job, and between them they got her to hold on for one more question. (I explain this in Part 2, Skill 6 Stay in Accord and Skill 7 Speechcraft)
After a tense pause, Jacqui whispered, “OK.”
Eddard knew that the moment of truth had arrived.
Immediately and purposefully, Eddard set his sights on a new Outcome, the vital goal of finding Jacqui and her children and making them safe.
What he said next reached into her unthinking, automated subconscious and coaxed Jacqui to look at her situation from a completely different perspective:
“I don’t know if… you can imagine this now, feeding the ducks with your kids next week in the park.
I wonder if you… remember how much you and the kids love that, do you?
Although I’m not asking you to… think about that now.
I’m just curious … what advice you would give yourself, from that moment by the pond with the kids next week… which means … you can tell me where you are now … so I can help you”.
The Power of the 7 Skills to impress
When you have Rapport, Speechcraft at this level is almost hypnotic.
Eddard paused, knowing there was nothing more to say. The situation had taken everything out of him; he was spent. His mind turned to Robbie. He hoped he’d done enough to prevent another tragedy, but there was no hiding from failure in his world; he could only hope now.
The line was quiet.
But Eddard’s words had shifted Jacqui’s mindset, and she could now imagine the possibility of a happy future. She started to speak, trying to answer Eddard’s question.
And that’s the moment when Eddard knew he’d succeeded.
Her voice breaking with emotion, Jacqui began…
“Well, I suppose I’d say…”
She couldn’t go on; she collapsed into tears and, a few moments later, told Eddard where she was. She was in the park by her favourite lake, where she used to take her children to feed the ducks.
A fast-response car arrived within minutes and found Jacqui and her children safe.
Every phrase Eddard used in that call had a specific job, from the first line about putting the phone down to the question that started Jacqui answering.
I take them apart line by line in The 7 Skills to impress, revealing how Eddard used the seven Skills to think clearly, manage pressure and find the right words when three lives depended on them.
And I’ll show you how to use those same Skills in your own life.
Eddard Was in Control of His Mind
Under pressure, your subconscious takes charge of your thoughts, your feelings and what comes out of your mouth, and most of the time you don’t notice it happening.
It took Jacqui to the edge of the worst decision of her life, and the same force let Eddard find the right words with three seconds to spare, then brought Jacqui back from the brink.
You’re not in control of your mind unless you learn how to be, and that’s what this book teaches. We return to Jacqui’s story, because what happened in her mind in those last moments explains a great deal about what happens in yours.
The 7 Skills to impress™
Most of us will never take a call like that one, but we all know what it’s like when the pressure is on and our mind goes blank. The book shows you how Eddard kept his head, and how you can keep yours, at work, at home or with your children.
Part 1 explains why pressure throws us. You’ll see what Monkey Brain does to your thinking when your heart starts racing, and how your Identity steers what you do before you’ve had a chance to decide. It’s why Jacqui and Eddard reacted so differently that night, and once you can spot it in yourself, you can start to change it.
Part 2 teaches the 7 Skills, from Identify Your Outcome through to Speechcraft. These are the methods I taught police negotiators for hostage and siege situations, set out so you can use them at work, at home and anywhere else the pressure is on. It includes the line-by-line breakdown of what Eddard said to Jacqui.
Part 3 shows all seven Skills working together, as I prepare an inspirational talk for a rugby squad. You follow the process from start to finish, so you can use it for your own big moments, whether that’s a presentation, an interview or a difficult conversation at home.
You don’t have to be a hostage/seige negotiator to learn to think clearly, manage your emotions and find the right words when they matter most. These are skills you can learn, practise and make your own.
The ebook is £7.99. Download it as a PDF or EPUB for your computer, phone, tablet or Kindle, and read the whole book online too.