You are the Sum of Your Primal Instincts
Hiding beneath the surface of your everyday choices is an ancient coding. A blueprint so ingrained that it shapes your every move without you even noticing.
This is where the template for your views, feelings and thoughts is designed, and why your every step is more predictable than you ever realised.
In this chapter, we put it under the spotlight. We will dive into the Identity Matrix, peeling back layers of your consciousness to reveal the primal forces that make you, you.
This chapter lays the groundwork so you can decode the cues hidden in your language that betray your inner fears, instincts and motivators, and expose the invisible threads that tie your past to your present.
Identity is your mission control centre; understanding it allows you to use the 7 Skills to set the stage for your future.
These ideas sit at the centre of the 7 Skills Identity Model. I’ll walk you through it now, layer by layer, so you can see how Identity shapes the way you think, feel, and act.
Safety: The Base of the 7 Skills Identity Model
We’ve all had moments when fear hijacks our attention. I’ll never forget the night I was home alone and thought an intruder was in my creaky house. As the wind howled, I swore I heard footsteps creeping up the stairs.
I grabbed a cricket bat and searched in vain for the “intruder,” my heart racing. In that instant, I could think of nothing but my imagined threat.
Not my plans for tomorrow, looming work deadlines, everyday issues like ailments or financial concerns, or how mad my behaviour would appear the next morning. Just the imminent “danger” before me.
Now imagine living in that narrowed state of fear constantly. When we feel under threat, it’s all we can focus on. The survival reflex takes over, our Fight, Flight or Freeze response.
If a risk is worrying enough, our thoughts turn short-term: surviving each day, avoiding harm, and securing food and shelter. There is no room for anything but basic needs, not our relationships, our purpose, our emotional intelligence or vision for the future.
This is the grip of fear. And it’s why a persistent sense of danger shrinks our perspective. We operate in survival mode, never looking far ahead or considering others’ needs. Our minds are dominated by the source of risk before us.
You cannot build a house without solid foundations.
A person cannot develop into a fulfilled adult unless their Safety needs are met.
And so, people who live in a climate of fear are reduced to living by basic instincts. They don’t develop the moral codes of those who live more secure lives.
And, in a moment, fear can strip away morals from people who have grown used to feeling safe.
I have seen this many times in my police career. I recall discussing this once with my Firearms Tactical Advisor.
I had asked him about a job that had gone off a few days earlier. The firearms team had been surprised by an armed and dangerous criminal. They arrested him, but not before they had fired seven rounds that missed their target.
This was a sin for us, and the fallout was rumbling around the police firearms world. If you fire, you must hit your target. Luckily, no one had been hurt by a stray round. But my TAC advisor said they had learned something important.
Selection for firearms was really tough, and those officers were brave, very well-trained and prepared. But when they were ambushed and shot at, they thought they were about to die.
At that moment, only one thing mattered to them. Higher-level needs such as Belonging, being loved, wanted and respected weren’t on the radar. The innate desire for survival replaced all morals and high-level behaviours.
Quickly, their training kicked back in, and they regained their poise. But not before they had instinctively let off seven rounds.
He said they had learned that you can’t train that survival instinct away.
As a child grows, in those formative years up to six, Safety is vital if they are to develop into healthy, happy and fulfilled people.
Belonging: Humans Have a Natural Urge to Belong to a Tribe
The Outsider
As a young cop fresh on the force, I was keenly aware of the gap between me and my shift colleagues. They were a tight-knit group, seasoned and experienced.
On the surface, I was received well enough, but I thought there was an unspoken barrier. I felt like an outsider, not fully included, especially outside of work.
Then, one evening, I was sent to a routine domestic dispute. Arriving at the scene, I came face to face with the husband. He was high on something, shocked to see me, and immediately lost it!
In a flash, he grabbed an enormous Gurkha knife and charged at me, screaming that he was going to kill me. I just had time to call for backup before he lunged at me. I parried one blow of the blade with my truncheon. I braced for more.
But, thankfully, because he was intoxicated, he was too slow with the next strike. Taking my chance, I hit him. The knife clattered to the ground, and I tackled him, wrestling him into handcuffs.
Moments later, my backup arrived. Not just one or two officers, but my entire shift! They had raced through the city, doing whatever it took to get to me as quickly as possible. They’d driven over pavements, gone the wrong way down streets, and abandoned their cars wherever they could as they pulled up at the scene and raced to my side.
At that moment, something changed. As I stood there, catching my breath, their swift response and concern for my safety spoke volumes.
From then on, I knew I was accepted as a valued member of the team. The bond forged in that moment made me feel more than I was before. Braver, stronger and more worthy. I’d found my tribe.
We Are Pack Animals
As hunter-gatherers, humans needed to be part of a tribe for survival and Safety. We are pack animals and feel safer in groups. If you were on your own, you were weaker and at risk.
But the tribe couldn’t afford to carry anyone. To belong, you had to bring something the tribe needed. Tracking, skill with weapons, hunting, building, storytelling, cooking, etc.
And so, to be wanted by a tribe showed you were a valuable person. And my shift’s response to my backup call told me just that. They valued me!
These instincts are still with us today. We want and need to fit in and be liked.
Being shunned can lead to feelings of vulnerability and worthlessness. But if we can align with a tribe, it implies that we are wanted. And that, in turn, enhances our feeling of being valuable and worthwhile, which makes us feel safer.
Today, people find their tribes in many different ways. For some, it’s a community where they live or work. Others align around teams they support or play for. Fashions, hobbies, music, interests, causes or politics can offer the same opportunity to find a group where you feel you belong.
Belonging builds on and adds to a sense of Safety. People who score well in these areas are more relaxed in difficult times. They feel less stress and can release their talents.
Esteem: We Desire Respect and Approval
In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.
Andy Warhol
Warhol’s famous quote is the modern face of an ancient human drive for attention and being heard. His words seem farsighted in today’s influencer age.
Whether around a Stone Age campfire or in an Instagram feed, the urge to be heard and the status from holding people’s attention has as much power today as in ancient times.
Status and Esteem were the hallmarks of those who rose above the crowd and had that bit extra to offer.
When these people spoke, and people listened, it showed that their words were valuable. The wisdom they had to share was helpful to the tribe.
They were the influencers. They had standing, which possibly meant they got more perks like protection, the best food and their pick of partners.
And today, these urges are still within us. We all want to express ourselves because we have an ancient need to share our learning and wisdom.
And when people listen, ancient parts of our brain feel respected.
Once someone feels they belong to a group, they will naturally seek to fulfil their need to be noticed. Esteem can be earned from whatever position you hold in the group, as an admired leader or valued team member, a storyteller, a joker and so on.
A good Esteem score, as with Belonging, boosts a sense of Safety. And if you add them together, you are building strong self-belief. And this belief enables you to be confident and at your best in testing times.
Sacred Flaws
As these early needs are met, frustrated or threatened, we begin to form quiet beliefs about ourselves. Some are useful. Some are limiting. And some become so familiar that we protect them, even when they hold us back.
Later, I call these Sacred Flaws: the parts of ourselves we learned to treat as fixed, necessary or unsafe to challenge.