The Identity Matrix: How to Build a Human Being*

---

You are the Sum of Your Primal Instincts

---

In this chapter, we put it under the spotlight. We will dive into the ‘Identity Matrix,’ peeling back layers of your consciousness to reveal the primal forces that make you, you. 

This chapter lays the groundwork so you can decode the cues hidden in your language that betray your inner fears, instincts and motivators. And expose the invisible threads that tie your past to your present.

Identity is your mission control centre – understanding it allows you to use the 7 Skills to set the stage for your future.

Identity Builds From Birth

From birth, we form beliefs. These beliefs grow and intertwine, creating a perception of our identity, our place in the world, and our expectations of it. It’s these Identity Beliefs that guide the sifting and sorting, subtly editing our reality (Edited Reality).

The beliefs that have the most effect on us answer these five questions;

• Safety – Can I keep myself, my loved ones, and my possessions safe?
• Belonging – Do I belong? Do I fit in?
• Esteem – Am I respected?
• Capability – Am I good enough? Am I capable?
• Sense of Purpose – Does my life have meaning?

And it’s the sum of our beliefs in these areas that adds up to our Identity.

We have a High IDQ if we feel good about ourselves in these five crucial areas. A Low IDQ occurs when our belief in them is shaky.

For example, Eddard has a High IDQ and would have scored 29 – 30 on the IDQ (link below). I know Ananya was a Low IDQ at the time of the seminar and scored 4.

Identity is Primal, it is the foundation for our idea of who we are. It fuels our confidence and drives our fears. It is the source of our instincts, needs, motivations and desires.

Safety: The Base of The 7 Skills Identity Model.

We’ve all had moments when fear hijacks our attention. I’ll never forget the night I was home alone and thought an intruder was in my creaky house. As the wind howled, I swore I heard footsteps creeping up the stairs.

I grabbed a cricket bat and searched in vain for the “intruder”, my heart racing. In that instant, I could think of nothing but my imagined threat. Not my plans for tomorrow, looming work deadlines, every day issues like ailments or financial concerns, or how bonkers my behaviour would appear the next morning. Just the imminent “danger” before me.

Now imagine living in that narrowed state of fear constantly. When we feel under threat, it’s all we can focus on. The survival reflex takes over – our Fight, Flight or Freeze response.

If a risk is worrying enough, our thoughts turn short-term: surviving each day, avoiding harm, and securing food and shelter. There is no room for anything but basic needs – not our relationships, our purpose, no emotional intelligence or vision for the future.

This is the grip of fear. And it’s why a persistent sense of danger shrinks our perspective. We operate in survival mode, never looking far ahead or considering others’ needs. Our minds are dominated by the source of risk before us.

You cannot build a house without solid foundations

A person cannot develop into a fulfilled adult unless their safety needs are met.

And so, people who live in a climate of fear are reduced to living by basic instincts. They don’t develop the moral codes of those who live more secure lives.

And, in a moment, fear can strip away morals from people who have grown used to feeling safe.

I have seen this many times in my police career. I recall discussing this once with my Firearms Tactical Advisor. 

I had asked him about a job that had gone off a few days earlier. The firearms team had been surprised by an armed and dangerous criminal. They arrested him, but not before they had fired seven rounds that missed their target. 

This was a sin for us, and the fallout was rumbling around the Police Firearms world. If you fire, you must hit your target. Luckily no one had been hurt by a stray round. But my TAC advisor said they had learned something important. 

Selection for firearms was really tough. And those officers were brave, very well-trained and prepared. But, when they were ambushed and shot at, they thought they were about to die. 

At that moment, only one thing mattered to them. Higher-level needs such as belonging, being loved, wanted and respected weren’t on the radar. The innate desire for survival replaced all morals and high-level behaviours.

Quickly their training kicked back in, and they regained their poise. But not before they had instinctively let off seven rounds.

He said they had learned that you can’t train that survival instinct away.

As a child grows, in those formative years up to six, Safety is vital if they are to develop into healthy, happy and fulfilled people.

Belonging: Humans Have a Natural Urge to Belong to a Tribe.

The Outsider

As a young cop fresh on the force, I was keenly aware of the gap between me and my shift colleagues. They were a tight-knit group, seasoned and experienced.

On the surface, I was received well enough, but I thought there was an unspoken barrier. I felt like an outsider, not fully included, especially outside of work.

Then, one evening, I was sent to a routine domestic dispute. Arriving at the scene, I came face to face with the husband. He was shocked to see me, high on something and immediately lost it!

Just then, my backup arrived. Not just one or two officers, but my entire shift! They had raced through the city, doing whatever it took to get to me as quickly as possible. They’d driven over pavements, the wrong way down streets and abandoned their cars ad hoc as they pulled up outside at the scene and raced to my side.

At that moment, something changed. As I stood there, catching my breath, their swift response and concern for my safety spoke volumes.

From then on, I knew I was accepted as a valued member of the team. The bond forged in that moment made me feel more than I was before. Braver, stronger and more worthy. I’d found my tribe.

We Are Pack Animals

As Hunter-Gatherers, humans needed to be part of a tribe for survival and safety. We are pack animals and feel safer in groups. If you were on your own, you were weaker and at risk.

But the tribe couldn’t afford to carry anyone. To belong, you had to bring something the tribe needed. Tracking, skill with weapons, hunting, building, storytelling, cooking, etc.

And so, to be wanted by a tribe showed you were a valuable person. And my shift’s response to my backup call told me just that. They valued me!

These instincts are still with us today. We want and need to fit in and be liked. 

Being shunned can lead to feelings of vulnerability and worthlessness. But if we can align with a ‘tribe’, it implies that we are wanted. And that, in turn, enhances our feeling of being valuable and worthwhile, which makes us feel safer.

Today, people find their tribes in many different ways. For some, it’s a community where they live or work. Others align around teams they support or play for. Fashions, hobbies, interests, causes or politics can offer the same opportunity to find a group where you feel you belong.

Belonging builds on and adds to a sense of safety. People who score well in these areas are more relaxed in difficult times. They feel less stress and can release their talents.

Esteem: We Desire Respect and Approval.

In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes

Andy Warhol

Warhol’s famous quote is the modern face of an ancient human drive for attention and being heard.

Warhol’s words seem farsighted in today’s influencer age. He reveals the eternally enduring human drive to be respected, seen and heard by one’s tribe.

When these people spoke and people listened, it showed that their words were valuable. The wisdom they had to share was helpful to the tribe. 

They were the influencers. They had standing, which possibly meant they got more perks like protection, the best food and their pick of partners.

And today, these urges are still within us. We all want to express ourselves because we have an ancient need to share our learning and wisdom. And when people listen, parts of our brains that date from the distant past feel respected.

Once someone feels they belong to a group, they will naturally seek to fulfil their need to be noticed. Esteem can be earned from whatever position you hold in the group. As an admired leader or valued team member, a storyteller, a joker and so on.

A good ‘Esteem’ score, as with ‘Belonging’, boosts a sense of ‘Safety’. And if you add them together you are building strong self-belief. And this belief enables you to be confident and at your best in telling times.

Capability: Our innate confidence to succeed at a task or challenge.

Capability is a natural way of thinking summed up by the Elevate Formula. And it is an integral part of Safety, Belonging and Esteem

Our sense of Capability – how able we feel to handle life’s challenges – is central to our Identity and self-esteem.

People with low belief in their Capability tend to think they are not good enough when adversity strikes. Those with high beliefs are more likely to believe in their abilities. 

These beliefs about our Capability are deeply ingrained in our subconscious. And they drive our behaviours and outlook when we face difficulties. 

The Elevate Formula (EF) sums up the thought patterns behind high or low IDQ. 

---

EF is so crucial to confidence and performance in adversity that it is its own Skill – Skill 5 of the 7 Skills to impress™. There, we look at how to use it to build bulletproof mental strength and to make our language naturally inspiring.

In this chapter, we’ll see how the Elevate Formula reflects a person’s Identity at a Capability level. 

---

The Elevate Formula is Deep!

The Elevate Formula is encoded deep in our subconscious programming. When anxious, we filter hardship through three perceptions:

1. Self or Other – Is this my fault or caused by external factors?

2. Broad or Narrow – Will the impacts spill into other areas of my life or remain contained? 

3. Lasting or Fleeting – Will this challenge pass quickly, or is it here to stay?

These filters influence our readiness to navigate life’s difficulties. Those who see trials as Other, Narrow and Fleeting cope best under pressure. They retain belief in their enduring strengths. Reframing challenges this way is crucial to resilience.

They’re the essence of Capability, and they impact how we approach problems, how we feel about ourselves, and how we interact with the world.

This diagram sweetly sums up EF and Capability;

Great Shot!

Two of my friends are the perfect opposites and show what this is all about. We play doubles tennis every week. We’ll call them Grumpy and Noisy, and their reaction to a few bad shots is as funny as it is instructive.

For Grumpy, just one poor shot is enough to set him off moaning. He’ll begin to mutter things like, “Why can’t I just hit the flaming ball… “That’s it. Here I go again…. Why can’t I play like I do in practice…? It’s always the same. I’m rubbish….”

He’s got a good game inside him, but he hardly ever performs to that level.

I place Grumpy on the above chart from the bottom looking up, because he interprets his mistakes as;

1. Self: It’s always due to his poor performance.

2. Broad: It’s always the same, every game. 

3. Lasting: A miss hit is never a one-off for Grumpy. It’s always a “sign” of things to come.

Grumpy doesn’t have faith in his strengths, qualities and attributes (SQAs) to help him succeed. Looking up from the bottom of the chart, Grumpy sees them as;

1. Other: He views a good shot as unusual.

2. Narrow – Even if he has a good game, he doesn’t expect to play well in the next. 

3. Fleeting: It doesn’t lift him when he plays well because he thinks the good spell will soon pass.

Noisy is the opposite. He’s hilariously over-optimistic. He’ll knock the ball way out and say out loud, “Superb shot!” Asked to explain how a bad miss could be described that way, he’ll say, “My timing was a millisecond out, otherwise, it was perfect!”

Noisy’s position on the chart is at the top looking down. He sees his mistakes as;

1. Other: It’s not about his ability. He never doubts that he’s good enough.

2. Narrow: After a bad shot or even a bad game, he’s confident the next one will be good.

3. Fleeting: The mistake is over and behind him almost as soon as it happened.

And Noisy is confident in his strengths; he sees them as;

1. Self: In difficult times, he backs himself and his abilities to win through and succeed.

2. Broad or Narrow – Will the impacts spill into other areas or remain contained? 

3. Lasting: A poor spell is unusual. His talents are always there ready to burst out at any moment.

So that’s how my friends see a problem – through the lens of The Elevate Formula. It’s ingrained in their Identity and creates their Edited Reality. 

Noisy doesn’t have the self-doubt that grips Grumpy. It’s easy to see how the EF fuels his confidence and resilience. And why he feels ‘Capable’ when the chips are down.

Our sense of ‘Capability’ reflects our scores on Safety, Belonging and Esteem.

People who score well for Safety, Belonging and Esteem ‘know’ their strengths, qualities and attributes (SQAs) are ‘good enough’ for the challenges they face. In other words, they believe they are ‘Capable’ people.

And, of course, the opposite is true. People who don’t score well in the first three levels of our Identity model have little confidence in their abilities. 

And that’s why I said at the top of this section;

Capability is a natural way of thinking summed up by the Elevate Formula. And it is an integral part of Safety, Belonging and Esteem.

Sense of Purpose: Living life with ambition, Motivation and Intent.

Eudaemonia: The Science of Story Telling. P. 188

People with a Sense of Purpose have a presence. They are curious, interested and goal-orientated.

Someone who feels safe can look up and be aware of what’s happening around them. If they think they fit in and belong, they will feel part of things and want to shape them.

A good Esteem score means they are used to airing their views and being taken seriously. And the Elevate Formula empowers them to back their skills against any problem they face.

All this adds up to a desire to make a difference, a belief that they can, and to do so is their purpose. It leads to ambition, motivation and intent.

The human drive to feel useful, and to make a difference, can be traced back to our earliest history. Those of our ancestors who were productive and contributed to the survival and well-being of their tribe were more likely to survive. And they were the ones to pass on their genes.

And so, over time, the traits and behaviours linked with being useful became rooted in our species.

In modern life, the need to feel useful remains just as strong. It is closely tied to our sense of Identity and self-worth. It’s where our need to show that our skills and abilities are of value comes from. To be a part of something larger than ourselves and make a difference.

But, when people feel they are not ‘useful’ and are not valuable to society, it can lead to anxiety, a lack of purpose and a Low IDQ. It can create disruptive behaviour.

And so, if you believe you are a ‘useful’ person, you feel of value to your community. And that’s a big step towards a High IDQ. It gives us a sense of purpose and fulfilment.

Identity: Your innate self-image.

So what is Identity? It’s the sum of your primal instincts around Safety, Belonging, Esteem, Capabiilty and Purpose.

Identity is like our code, our ancient “operating system” that shapes how we sense and respond to the world. It runs quietly in the background of our minds.

Identity shapes our Edited Reality. Every waking moment, it filters, sifts, and sorts to match every event and encounter to our beliefs about how the world works.

This code is built from all our beliefs in each intertwined layer of the 7 Skills identity model.

The 7 Skills Identity Model is not presented to you as an ordered list…

… but rather a system, An Identity Matrix, in which each layer complements the others. There is a flow and logic to the order I’ve chosen for the Model, but it wouldn’t be a problem to change it around a little.

Belonging improves Safety, and Respect strengthens belonging. And without a high Capability score, a High IDQ in the other blocks would not be possible.

However, Safety is the cornerstone of the entire Model. Many sources support the idea of Safety as the seed ground of human development and a moral code.

If you remove it, all the other elements collapse. The other blocks are interlinked but don’t prop up the others in the same way.

So, no, the Model is not a hierarchy. But Safety is the foundation for the other blocks to stand upon. And a Sense of Purpose stands on the shoulders of the rest of the Model.

Our Identity is the accumulation of all the traits from the blocks of the Identity Model. Each element is critical in creating a strong and robust Identity.

Emerging from these layers are key features of our nature, which form a huge part of who we are and shape our instincts, how life affects us and how people come to see us.

Identity: Everywhere, All The Time

Of course, it’s impossible to describe all the ways Identity plays out in the big wide world. So here are a few examples I’ve come across recently that give us a taste of how Identity is working everywhere, all the time.

Maybe you’d like to think them through and consider how a low or high IDQ affects each situation? And, I’m sure, your own examples will come to mind as you read on.

Safety: Its Impact on Children

A study looked at two children, Amelia and Leo. 

Amelia was raised in a nurturing and secure neighbourhood with full-time care from a parent. She grew to show healthy confidence and social skills. 

Leo was raised in a less secure part of town. Both of his parents worked full-time. He developed high anxiety and found social interaction difficult. 

The contrast stressed how a child’s sense of safety greatly affects their psychological and social development in later life.

Belonging in the Digital Age

A 22-year-old Zara struggled with social isolation. Then, she discovered an online gaming community. The friends she found on this platform gave her a sense of belonging. 

However, all her friends were digital, and she still felt out of place and alone away from her gaming console. 

The study is one of many to show the complex nature of digital belonging in today’s world.

Esteem: The Artist’s Journey

Miguel was a passionate but obscure street artist. Although he spent years creating murals in his city, his work went unnoticed by the critics. 

Finally, he gained attention when a local art vlogger covered his work in a video that went viral. 

This brought Miguel into the spotlight; his work was now noticed and appreciated. 

Respect and validation followed. The public acclaim changed his life and self-esteem forever.

Capability and Resilience

Sophia faced multiple setbacks in her efforts to set up a profitable business. Despite this, she never lost faith in herself. Her fifth venture, an eco-friendly packaging company, became a success. 

Sophia’s belief in her abilities was a driving force for her success.

A New Sense of Purpose

Elena, an architect, found her passion in reviving run-down areas in New York. At 45, she left her corporate job to join in with community projects that turned vacant and derelict plots into vibrant public gardens and spaces. 

Her work was not as well paid as her previous career, but it brought satisfaction into her life that she had not found before.

---

Take The Quiz For This Chapter

How well do you grasp the forces shaping your identity and instincts?

Test your knowledge of the powerful 7 Skills model – take this quick quiz to see if you fully understand the core drivers of confidence and fear.

Just minutes to reveal how well you comprehend your innermost self. Click now to take the Identity quiz!

---

The work of Identity is unseen because no one notices it operating, in themselves or others. And yet, if you know your IDQ score, your instinctive reactions to stress are largely predictable.

And why these habits of ours are foreseeable is what we’re going to look at next.

The next chapter delves deeper into the secret world of Edited Reality. It looks at three subconscious guardians of our well-being that work behind the scenes, shaping our world without our knowledge.

So, if you want to discover more secrets of your mind and unlock your true potential, Chapter 5 awaits you.

Up Next: Chapter 5.

How Identity is Secretly Pulling Your Strings

---

Previous Chapter

Index

Glossary of Terms

References with Summary

---

References:

• Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370-396.
• Bateson, G. (1972). Steps to an Ecology of Mind. University of Chicago Press.
• Dilts, R. (1990). Neuro-Linguistic Programming: The Study of the Structure of Subjective Experience. Volume I. Capitola, CA: Meta Publications
• Marcia, J. E. (1966). Development and validation of ego-identity status. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 3(5), 551-558.
• Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and crisis. W.W. Norton & Company.
• Cross, S. E., & Madson, L. (1997). Models of the self: Self-construals and gender. Psychological Bulletin, 122(1), 5-37.
• Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behaviour. New York: Plenum.
• Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529.
• Bandura, A. (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioural change. Psychological Review, 84(2), 191-215.
• The Neuroscience of Threat: Understanding the Emotional Brain by Rebecca Todd and Richard A. Bryant (2015)
• The Role of Safety in Cognitive Development by Tracey J. Shors, Mark R. Rosenzweig, and Gary Lynch (2013)
• The Importance of Safety in Early Childhood Development by The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2019)
• The Role of Safety in the Treatment of Trauma by Judith L. Herman (2015)