Have you ever been in a situation with someone else or a group and wondered why your impression of it was different? As Penelope Fitzgerald insightfully puts it…
Penelope Fitzgerald
No two people see the external world in exactly the same way. To every separate person, a thing is what s/he thinks it is — in other words, not a thing, but a think.
We like to believe we control our actions and reactions to stressful events – but we may not be following our free will as much as we thought!
As we saw in earlier chapters, your Identity begins shaping itself early in life, creating shortcuts to keep you safe from danger, rejection, and failure. It develops patterns to manage stress, shortcuts to help you belong, and habits to avoid being humiliated.
- In times of severe stress, Identity can judge that our only route to safety is the Fight Flight Freeze Response. And when it triggers this, it switches off your conscious brain and takes over.
- These shortcuts secretly edit our reality and control our instincts.
We already have examples of the pretty remarkable way Identity shapes our world without us being aware.
To complete the 7 Skills 2 impress™ Identity Model, I’ll introduce you to three more secret rules that edit your reality and pull your strings. And, once again, we are unaware of just how programmed our ‘free’ thought is.
For most of our waking lives, the following three areas of our behaviour are being controlled behind the scenes;
- Identity Beliefs
- The Towards or Away From instinct.
- The Internal or External Reference
So, we’ll take a look at these next.
Identity Beliefs: Tumbril’s Story
You can see Identity Beliefs included in the Identity Model – to the left and right of each building block. To the left, the IBs are uplifting. To the right, they are limiting.
The 7 Skills to impress™ Identity Model Tumbril was a professional cricketer, a fast, left-arm bowler. A quality highly prized in the sport. And although he was a valued player, his coach told me he was on the verge of being ‘let go’.
Tumbril could be a match-winner, but too often, he was a match-loser. He bowled at over 90 miles per hour (145 kph) but often lost control and gave away too many runs.
Tumbril was looking at the end of a promising career before it had got going. He had to sort this out quickly, or his life in pro sports would soon be over.
We sat down for our first appointment, and I built Rapport. Tumbril began to talk freely, and I picked up on a phrase he dropped out at least three times in the first 20 – 40 minutes of our chat.
He said, “… and he/she probably thinks I’m no good …”. Another time, he said, “I really don’t know if I’m good enough”.
A Verbal Expression of Identity
Identity Beliefs set the upper and lower levels of what we believe is our place for each block. The Identity Model shows how, for a High IDQ (on the left of the image above), they are mostly uplifting and empowering. But for a Low IDQ (on the right), the opposite is the case.
Our everyday language tends to hide the doubts we hold deep inside. But instinctive comments bubble out into the open under pressure or in unguarded moments.
They emerge from the deepest recesses of our minds. They contain the raw inner truths we usually conceal. The source of these comments is our ‘Identity Beliefs’.
Identity Beliefs are an expression of our Identity…
They are such an integral part of our very being we don’t question them. They reflect our beliefs about being safe, wanted, respected and capable.
We can hear them all around us if we learn to listen out for them. They tumble out in the natural words that pop out in the moment of everyday setbacks.
This is true even for minor scrapes. Like when someone stubs their toe, trips, or knocks over a cup of tea and yells something out without thinking.
Take the case of my friend Liam, who stepped out into the road without looking. A car blared its horn as it swerved to miss him. Liam was OK but a little shaken after the near miss.
I take careful note of the first spontaneous thing a person says after a shock. It tells you so much about their Identity and how they make sense of their lives.
And what Liam instinctively said was, “Darn! I’m so stupid”.
This comment revealed Liam’s Identity Belief that he is stupid, and his ‘stupidity’ caused the near miss. It’s a statement of the way he thinks of himself in his mind’s eye, i.e. his Identity.
We know this is a Identity Belief that reflects a Low IDQ because of the Elevate Formula structure he uses to express this belief, i.e. stupid is Self, Broad and Lasting).
If his first automatic response was, “Wow. He was going too fast”, Liam would have laid all the blame on the driver, which would be Other, Fleeting and Narrow. This would indicate a High IDQ.
I’d like to emphasise that the Identity Belief is the very first spontaneous reaction. Often, someone will come back with a correction comment quite quickly.
For example, Liam actually said, “Darn! I’m so stupid!” And then, a second or two later, he corrected himself, “Well, the car was going too fast, wasn’t it?”
The second comment was not an echo of his Identity but a System 2 correction of the first instinctive remark. It masks the raw truth buried deep in Liam’s self-image.
Tumbril’s Talent is Given Wings
I recognised Tumbril’s “I really don’t know if I’m good enough” comments as a Identity Belief at the Capability Level. They were echoes of doubts deep inside that he wasn’t good enough for professional cricket and not respected by his peers.
Tumbril agreed and realised that this always shaped his reaction to challenges. It likely was the cause of his frequent dips in form.
There was a lot of positive feedback for Tumbril from his coaches and teammates, signalling the respect with which he was held. But Identity sifted and sorted it out, editing his reality to confirm that everyone thought he was “no good”.
A blank look from the batsman would worry him…
Maybe the batter was trying to hide his fear of Tumbril’s pace and skill, or he was concentrating hard. But Tumbril’s reality was, “he thinks I’m no good”.
If he bowled a poor ball, he would imagine that his opponents, teammates and coach thought he was “no good”. This stressed him and got him down.
He’d fixate about “not bowling bad balls”. The ‘Stroop Magnet Effect’ explains why fixating this way meant more poor balls would follow.
So it was clear that a slight shift in Tumbril’s Identity was called for. My job was to change his limiting Identity Belief into an empowering one.
Tumbril hallucinated all the time that people thought he was no good. Since he was so practised at this, using The 7 Skills to impress™ approach, I got him to hallucinate that everyone thought he was brilliant.
This Identity shift worked quickly…
After just two appointments, Tumbril came to me, excited at how the dressing room was talking. He said the team were all saying how he was ‘bowling rockets’.
I knew the players had always said this. But, until now, his Identity had led the editing process to overwrite this feedback. I had used impress™ to reshape his Edited Reality.
And now he could hear and accept those comments for the first time.
Tumbril’s Edited Reality subtly changed in a way that gave his talents wings. He began to see fear and uncertainty in the eyes of the batters.
He refocused on his ability when he delivered a poor ball. Now he saw the error as ‘Fleeting’. And he would be confident that his ‘Lasting’ talents would make the next ball a ‘rocket’.
He bowled world-class figures that season. The following season he was snapped up by one of England’s biggest clubs. From there, he earned a call-up to his national team.
Tumbril’s Identity Beliefs revealed a fault line in his Identity, which shackled his talent. With a simple 7 Skills routine, we turned it into a strength in a way that was very natural to him.
Instead of being released from his club, he achieved top international honours. And he went on to tour the world as a T20 cricket superstar. All from a subtle shift in Identity Beliefs, which turned him from a Low to a High IDQ.
Review Question
Why not look over the Identity model again and ask yourself this question;
“How might the Edited Reality of the same event be entirely different for two people if one is a High IDQ and the other a Low IDQ? Think of an experience you’ve had recently and consider it for each block of the model.
Internal and External
Internal / External Scan: High IDQ people are confident in their abilities.
Our work with The 7 Skills is all about developing a High IDQ. ‘Internal’ scan is a big part of that.
To explain what I mean, consider this. Everyday life throws up tests and trials all the time. And when we face them, a voice deep inside us asks, “am I safe, good enough, right or wrong, am I a success or failure” etc.
Internal / High iDQ people look inside themselves to find the answer, and they draw upon their strengths and qualities. These factors are the source of their belief in themselves. I refer to this as the ‘inner compass’.
When someone with a High IDQ has a setback, they can shrug it off. Even if the difficulty has knocked them back, they’ll still believe they can keep safe and are wanted, respected and capable.
Externally focused people don’t have that source of inner strength. Instead, they look for the answer in the feedback, ideas and opinions of others.
This puts them at the mercy of the whims and impulses of the people around them.
If they argue with a partner or friend, fail a test or face a challenge, they need other people to tell them they are OK. Any minor rebuff can hurt them. Sometimes they will even see problems and rejection when it’s not there.
And that’s because these events confirm the inner Identity Beliefs fueling their Low IDQ. Lacking an inner compass, they constantly need feedback to tell them if they are safe, wanted or respected.
This is why externals are more unsure and changeable. Their inner strengths, beliefs and values come to take second place. They feel more stress and are less resilient.
Internals are more self-assured and constant. Their inner compass leads them, and they stay true to themselves.
In Part 2, Chapter 4, Reveal Persuasion Pathways, I explain how someone’s language contains cues that give away their internal/external bias and how we can use this to influence ethically.
Review question
Considering the event you had in mind for the review question above, how would it affect two people differently if one was Internal and the other External?
Towards and Away From
High IDQ people are more likely to see opportunities and solutions when stressed.
They are inclined to move ‘Towards’ such outcomes. That’s because they naturally feel safe, wanted, and respected. Their SQAs make them feel capable.
As a result, ‘Towards’ people are more ‘go for it’ types. They are generally more optimistic and come up with solutions to resolve problems. ‘Away From’ can appear negative. They spot all the issues in a situation and want to avoid them rather than solve them.
Low IDQs are inclined to notice threats that they want to move ‘Away From’. This is because they don’t have that inner compass that tells them they are capable and can keep themselves safe. Or that they are wanted and respected. So, when they face a challenge, their instinct is to get away from it.
In Part 2, Chapter 4, Persuasion Pathways, I explain how to detect this bias in a person’s language. And how we can use this to influence ethically.
Review question
Considering the event you had in mind for the review questions above, how would it affect two people differently if one was Towards and the other Away From?
The Complete Identity Model
Identity Beliefs, Internal/External and Towards/Away From, complete the 7 Skills Identity model. It is a beautiful summary of how System 1 and Identity create our Edited Reality and pull our strings.
And, I hope, this fully explains the quote I opened with;
No two people see the external world in exactly the same way. To every separate person, a thing is what s/he thinks it is — in other words, not a thing, but a think.
PENELOPE FITZGERALDIdentity: Everywhere, All The Time: Part 2
Please consider these examples of how Identity is everywhere, all the time. Apply what you have learned in this chapter to each situation and consider how a High or Low IDQ might affect it.
Entrepreneurial Challenges:
- A budding entrepreneur, Maya faces the challenge of pitching her startup idea to potential investors. Her Identity Beliefs and Internal/External References play a critical role in how she perceives this opportunity – either as a chance to succeed (High IDQ) or a fear of rejection (Low IDQ).
Parenting Dynamics:
- A single father, David navigates the complexities of raising a teenager. His Towards/Away From instincts could influence how he handles conflicts with his child, either approaching problems with understanding and patience or avoiding tough conversations.
Career Transition:
- After a decade in corporate law, Aisha decided to pursue her passion for art. This transition tests her Identity Beliefs and Internal/External focus, challenging her self-perception and reliance on external validation versus internal conviction.
Student Experiences:
- Alex, a dyslexic college student, struggles with academic pressures. His Identity Model plays a role in how he copes with stress and perceived academic failures – does he see these challenges as temporary setbacks (High IDQ) or as confirmations of his insecurities (Low IDQ)?
Retirement Adjustment:
- John, recently retired, finds his sense of purpose and Identity shifting. His Towards/Away From instincts might affect how he engages in new activities or social groups, either embracing new experiences or withdrawing due to fear of the unknown.
Cultural Adaptation:
- Li an immigrant adjusting to a new country and culture. Her Internal/External Reference and Identity Beliefs will significantly influence how she integrates into the new community, either by maintaining her sense of self or overly adapting to fit in.
Relationship Struggles:
- Sarah and Tom are a couple facing communication issues. Understanding their Identity Models could help them recognize how their Identity Beliefs and Towards/Away From instincts affect their interaction and conflict resolution.
Take The Quiz For This Chapter
Think you’ve unlocked the secrets of how identity shapes your reality? Do you understand the hidden forces that shape your identity and instincts?
Take this quiz to test if you really grasped how Identity Beliefs, internal/external bias, and towards/away from instincts operate behind the scenes.
Quickly assess your mastery of the 7 Skills model and see if you truly grasp the core drivers of confidence and fear. Click now to take the Identity quiz!
What’s Next?
So now, let’s cut to the chase and see how this applies to us. And what can we do with it. And we’ll begin by taking a closer look at the contrast between High and Low IDQ.
This is where the magic happens. Because it explains so much of what you do, how you behave and react in your every waking moment.
Having a higher IDQ unlocks a whole new world of possibilities for a healthier, happier, and more fulfilling life.
Not only that, but it also makes you a force to be reckoned with – more influential and popular than ever. So let’s discover how increasing your IDQ can open doors you may have believed were permanently closed to you until now.
Up next: Chapter 6
Unleash your Potential: The Power of IDQ
Previous Chapter
Index
Glossary of Terms
References with Summary
References:
Please also see the references for the last chapter.
- Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science, 8(3), 162-166.
- Lakoff, G. (1987). Women, Fire, and Dangerous Things: What Categories Reveal about the Mind. University of Chicago Press.
- Giles, H., Coupland, N., & Coupland, J. (1991). Accommodation theory: Communication, context, and consequence. In H. Giles, J. Coupland, & N. Coupland (Eds.), Contexts of Accommodation: Developments in Applied Linguistics (pp. 1-68). Cambridge University Press.
- Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
- Oaten, M., & Cheng, K. (2006). Longitudinal gains in self-regulation from regular physical exercise. British Journal of Health Psychology, 11(1), 121-140.
- Kross, E., Bruehlman-Senecal, E., Park, J., Burson, A., & AXELROD, J. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304-324.
- Higgins, E. T. (1997). Beyond pleasure and pain. American Psychologist, 52(12), 1280-1300.
- Pickett, C. L., & Brewer, M. B. (2001). Motivation. In D. T. Gilbert, S. T. Fiske, & G. Lindzey (Eds.), Handbook of social psychology (pp. 531-595). New York: McGraw-Hill.
- Oettingen, G., & Gollwitzer, P. M. (2010). Planning promotes goal striving. In E. T. Higgins & A. Kruglanski (Eds.), Handbook of motivation science (pp. 142-162). New York: Guilford Press.
- Nemeth, C. J., & Wachtler, J. (1983). Internalization and externalization as mediators of influence in group decision making. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 19(5), 463-476.
- Brehm, J. W., & Brehm, S. S. (1981). Psychological reactance: A theory of freedom and control. New York: Academic Press.
- Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529.