Quantity time has a habit of slowly turning into quality time if we observe closely and participate fully. Being around for our kids – quantity time – slowly morphs into quality time if we are careful to observe closely what they enjoy, what excites or worries them, and if we enter into their world and participate in it with them. It’s not the expensive presents or exciting events that make the difference, but you, relating and enjoying them. Out of this grows the magic relationship you want to have with your child.
Biddulph, Steve. The Secret of Happy Children: Feeling Good About Yourself and Your Child from Birth to Age 5. Thorsons, 1995
There can be no ‘quality time’ without ‘quantity time’. You can’t just make ‘quality time’. It naturally falls out of the time you all spend together as a family. You have to put the time in, for some of it to become ‘quality time’.
I had a wake-up call at a friend’s retirement party
His wife was there, with their two daughters in their early twenties. At the end of the evening, he said a few words. At one touching moment, he turned to his daughters and apologised for spending all his time at work and not being there while they grew up.
I could see how this stung, knowing the time was gone for good.
Back at work, I counted my hours and got a shock – I was gone before my sons woke up and back after bedtime. My Firearms Commander role kept me from them even on days off.
I knew I had to make a change fast or I’d be apologising to my sons one day. It was all about quantity time. How I could be with them more and show I wanted to be around them.
I made sure that I was home in time to read them a bedtime story even on my late evenings home. This became our ritual. They looked forward to it, and I rarely missed it. (These days we laugh about how sometimes I’d fall asleep mid-story and they’d wake me up.)
When I saw my youngest playing his imaginary games on the lounge floor, I would get down on all fours and get involved. I was soon let into an amazing interactive world he’d projected onto the carpet.
I had ignored it entirely up to that point. He was embarrassed about it at first, which let me know that my lack of interest had made him believe it was beneath me.
I did work at night after they slept. I took them to my office on weekends where the troops made a fuss of them – they loved it.
We played rugby, football (soccer) and cricket on the road outside our house whenever we could. Often neighbouring kids would come and join us.
I watched as much of the sports they played as I could at weekends and went to their martial arts club on weekday evenings.
It’s many years later now, and a few days ago, I enjoyed a beer with my two grown-up boys in a local pub. They talked about those days and chuckled about some of the things they remembered.
A few people passing our table commented how good it was to see this father and son scene. I cherish our relationship and know that it was forged in all that time with them, some of which became quality time.
The “Quality Time” Myth.
Humans aren’t machines with an on/off switch for trust and connection. You can’t force authentic moments on demand. Bonding blossoms from long hours together, when you’re fully present. A few become quality time randomly. But first comes the quantity.
Many parents fight the clock. But there is a hard truth that cannot be dodged: nothing teaches kids their value more than your presence and interest. The idea of their self-worth, their place in the world, is learned from parents/carers at home.
If you’re too busy for them, their System 1 absorbs the message: “I don’t matter.” If you think about the Identity Model for a moment, this means the levels of Safety, Belonging and Esteem all develop on the Low IDQ side.
No fancy holidays or gifts offset that deficit.
Be fully present without expectations. You’ll nurture a deep and lasting rapport and high self-esteem from this commitment. Time is precious, but it’s never too late to plant seeds of connection. Your time speaks louder than words ever could.
The Together Time Ritual
It’s vital to make time for your children. If time is scarce, you may have to develop a habit, a ritual or a routine. Something simple, easy to get started. Just showing that you want to do it with them builds their IDQ score.
Once you weave these activities into your family life, they become part of a thriving family culture. And guess what? Some of that time with your kids will magically turn into cherished quality time!
I’ve got a few ideas here that might help you out. Some of them you can do off the cuff, while others you can make a part of your daily routine.
Maybe they’ll prompt you to think of things you’d like to do. The point is they all give you the chance to bond with your children and create beautiful memories together.
Sometimes, it might feel a bit awkward, or your kids might be a little reluctant. But at other times, they’ll be totally open and chatty.
That’s where the magic happens! And from this start, you can use the Rapport tools to build a lifetime bond and a High IDQ.
Time To Thrive
- Family Meals: Make an effort to have at least one meal together every day, where you can talk, share stories, and catch up with each other’s lives.
- Reading Time: Set aside some time each evening to read books together. You can take turns reading aloud and discussing the stories you read.
- Outdoor Adventures: Go for walks, fly kites, play catch, bike rides, or short hikes in nature. Spending time outdoors allows for shared experiences and fresh air.
- Art and Craft Projects: Get creative together with arts and crafts activities. Whether it’s drawing, painting, or DIY projects, it’s a fantastic way to bond and have fun.
- Cooking or Baking: Involve your kids in the kitchen and cook or bake together. It’s an excellent opportunity to teach them valuable life skills and share quality time.
- Game Nights: Have regular game nights with board games, card games, learn magic tricks together, or video games that the whole family can enjoy.
- Movie or TV Time: Pick a family-friendly movie or show to watch together. Make it a special movie night with popcorn and snacks. Discuss it afterwards.
- Volunteering Together: Find local volunteer opportunities that the whole family can participate in. Working together for a cause can create a strong sense of purpose and togetherness.
- Bedtime Rituals: Establish calming bedtime routines where you can talk, read, or share bedtime stories.
- Family Conversations: Take time to have open and meaningful conversations with your kids regularly. Ask about their day, their interests, and any concerns they might have.
- Exercise Together: Engage in physical activities like playing sports, yoga, or dancing together. It promotes bonding while staying active.
- Plan Weekend Adventures: Use weekends to go on short-day trips or visit local attractions as a family.
- Celebrate Special Days: Make an effort to celebrate birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions together as a family.
- Create Family Traditions: Establish unique family traditions that your kids can look forward to, like a yearly camping trip or a special holiday tradition.
- Technology-Free Time: Have designated technology-free hours where you can focus solely on each other without distractions.
- Sing Songs: Sing silly songs or kids’ favourites while driving or before bedtime.
- Tell Stories: Take turns telling stories, either making them up or retelling favourites.
- Schedule One-on-One Time: Spend 10-15 minutes of focused attention on each child daily.
- Play Hide and Seek: A timeless, fun game for kids and parents.
- Learn a Musical Instrument Together: This develops children mentally and emotionally, and it will be something you’ll always have in common.
- Incidentals to do together: Kick or throw a ball around after school; visit charity/thrift shops; rearrange the furniture; learn to juggle; make and edit your own films with your phones; build paper aeroplanes and have a flying contest; make a scrapbook; help your kids find pen pals; make up trivia questions about each other; grow something in a pot from seed; people watch and make up stories about them.
Children thrive on quantity family time. It lays the foundation for healthy, happy, confident lives.
It’s a myth to think you can just switch on “quality time” – it grows randomly from hours spent together.
Modern life is busy. Making time for kids can be tough. But children only understand one thing – your presence shows you care. When you’re absent, kids learn they don’t matter.
Prioritise quantity time to show your kids they are safe, wanted, and valued in your family. Cultivate simple shared moments, foster their High IDQ, and forge cherished, lifelong bonds.
Up Next: Rule 3: How To Listen To Your Children So Your Children Listen To You
Do you want your kids to be open to your advice and listen to your guidance?
In “Rule 3,” discover a simple skill that fosters openness and a willingness to listen to your thoughts and coaching. It is also part of the toolkit that builds a High IDQ.
Overcome resistance, earn trust, and create a powerful connection with your child. Dive into the next chapter now!
Previous Chapter: Rule 1, Prepare Yourself