With the “Practice Rapport” tools, you will strengthen your ability to inspire and influence ethically.
Rapport creates a climate of trust and understanding, one in which people feel safe with you, open with you, and more willing to engage. When Rapport is present, conversations flow more easily and resistance softens.
You can build Rapport with anyone, including people who disagree with you, those who feel defensive, and those who resist openly. Once you understand how it works, the process becomes simpler than most expect.
In this chapter, you’ll explore how Rapport is built in practice, why our brains respond so strongly to being listened to, and how Rapport quietly amplifies influence. You’ll also see how it works when emotions are high and conversations feel difficult.
A Spanner in the Works
John, a company director and successful salesman, asked if I would model John, a company director and successful salesman, asked if I would model his sales approach and train his team in it. I liked the idea, so I joined him for a few meetings.
Our first meeting should have been straightforward: John had already agreed the deal in principle with the CEO, and we were meeting a director, Simon, to go through the details.
As soon as we sat down, things began to unravel.
The CEO had instructed Simon to bring in an external company. Simon resented it. He felt his judgment had been overruled and his autonomy dismissed, and so he resisted. Within ten minutes, he had deflected every suggestion.
“We already do that.” “Yes, but that’s not really an issue for us.”
John glanced at me, uneasy.
I could see Simon’s pride in his work, his sense of ownership, and his discomfort at being told what to do. So I said:
“Simon, it’s clear you’re doing a lot of exciting things here. Could we hear more about them?”
Simon began talking: his projects, what he had built, where he felt pressure, what mattered to him. John and I listened.
As Simon spoke, his posture softened and his tone shifted, and the resistance that had been filling the room began to ease. When John later re-entered the conversation, he did so respectfully, shaping his suggestions around what Simon had already shared. Simon accepted them, and said this would be the first of many deals.
Listening built the trust that opened the door to influence.
A Quick Note: Influence vs. Manipulation
Rapport raises an ethical question worth considering, because influence and manipulation are not the same thing.
The Rapport that developed with Simon lowered his resistance and made him receptive to John’s services precisely because we genuinely listened and tried to understand his situation. We learned what Simon had already achieved and where he felt pressure, which allowed John to offer support that actually met his needs.
If John had used Simon’s openness to push something unnecessary, it would have backfired quickly. Simon would have recognised it, the relationship would have collapsed, and John’s reputation would have suffered.
Sometimes, authentic Rapport reveals that what you’re offering is not the right fit. When that happens, it is better to leave it for another day. You preserve trust, and trust opens doors in the future.
The Science Behind Rapport
Simon, like most of us, wanted to feel included and respected, and being instructed without discussion made him feel overlooked. The CEO probably saw it as efficiency. Simon felt bypassed. Rapport does its work precisely in that gap.
Listening meets some of the most fundamental human needs. When someone gives us their full attention, we feel safe, valued, and part of something, and the defensiveness that keeps people guarded starts to dissolve as trust forms in its place.
Listening has always been a signal of Esteem, telling us that our words matter and that we belong.
The instinct behind that response runs to something ancient. In early human groups, survival depended on cooperation, and those whose skills protected the group were the ones others listened to.
Attention implied value, and value implied safety, and we can see the same pattern in modern neuroscience: when people hear their own ideas reflected back, reward centres in the brain activate. Their perspective feels recognised, and they feel capable and worthy as a result.
Being listened to also increases oxytocin, the hormone associated with trust and connection, which supports empathy, cooperation, and calm engagement.
That is why Rapport feels good to the other person. Something in them, at a level they cannot quite articulate, feels recognised.
That is what makes Rapport work: it gives people the felt experience of being genuinely understood, and that experience changes what becomes possible in a conversation.
Do you remember the question I asked Simon?
“Simon, it’s clear you’re doing a lot of exciting things here. Could we hear more about them?”
That invitation mattered because it gave him space to speak about what was important to him.
From that point on, my task was straightforward: listen properly, notice the words he kept returning to, and ask questions that helped me see the situation through his eyes.
I narrowed my attention to one question: what did I need to understand to see this through Simon’s eyes? That question was enough. Once Simon felt heard, John had something real to work with.
No Judgement, No Sharing, Just Listening
I didn’t judge Simon’s complaints or share my own opinions, even though I had relevant experience. Building Rapport is often misunderstood as simply having a good conversation, but it isn’t that.
When you share your own examples, even with good intent, attention shifts back to you, and Rapport weakens as a result.
That urge is natural. We all want to be heard. But when Rapport is the goal, creating space matters far more than filling it.
To help myself do that, I use 7-11 breathing. It keeps me calm and focused, and helps me suppress the impulse to speak when silence would serve better.
The meeting with John showed how straightforward listening can lower resistance and build the trust and connection that enhance influence.
Rapport with Angry or Resistant People
Eddard saw Rapport as a powerful tool for negotiating with hostile, unreasonable people, and he found that when people felt heard and understood, they were more likely to put down weapons, step off ledges, or release hostages.
I’ve seen the same pattern many times. Most of those stories are too intense for this book, so what follows is a more everyday example.
When Helping Makes Things Worse
A UK call centre asked me to help their staff deal with criticism and abuse from clients. The company handled home delivery of sensitive medical products.
When clients made mistakes on the online system, deliveries went wrong: items were left on doorsteps exposed to neighbours, spoiled in the rain, or never delivered at all.
The staff cared deeply. That was part of the problem. Under pressure, they explained, justified, and apologised, and the more they explained, the angrier some clients became.
We trained Rapport extensively, but when calls escalated, old habits returned. So I went to the call centre to see it first-hand.
Almost immediately, a member of staff waved me over: an incoming call from Mrs Oakley, one of their most infamous complainers, was ringing through. The room went quiet as the phone was pushed into my hand.
I said hello and received a torrent of anger.
I set my Outcome: be patient, listen, reflect, and stay calm.
Her situation was genuinely difficult. She had run out of incontinence pads, her delivery was late, and when it finally arrived, it had been left on the doorstep in the rain. Neighbours had seen it. Everything was ruined.
I let her talk. You cannot influence angry people while they are still full of what they need to say. I stayed quiet, using small sounds to show I was listening. One word kept returning. “Desperate.”
When there was a brief pause, I said:
“I hear you, Mrs Oakley. It sounds like a desperate situation.”
Something shifted the moment I reflected her word back. She was still upset, but the quality of the conversation had changed. She was talking to me now. The problem stopped being “you people” and became “them”. Her tone softened and the anger began to drain.
For several minutes she spoke, and I did not explain, justify, or apologise. I listened and reflected her words back. Gradually her rhythm slowed, her breathing settled, and her voice became calm.
Only then, once Rapport was established, did I introduce a solution.
“My colleague has been looking into your deliveries. She has an idea that might help. Would you like me to put her on?”
She agreed straight away.
This was a dramatic change from the usual ten-minute tirade that ended with the phone being slammed down. Rapport did what no amount of explanation had managed.
Summary
For every meeting, set Rapport as one of your Outcomes. Before you begin, use Realisation and 7-11 breathing to settle yourself and give System 1 a clear job.
- Start by getting your client talking about something they care about.
- Listen deeply and ask clarifying questions.
- Ask yourself: “What do I need to know so I can understand the world through their eyes?”
- Reflect back their key phrases.
- Whenever possible, repeat their exact words as a question.
- Avoid judgment or giving your own examples.
- Reflect rather than rephrase.
- Stay authentic.
- With angry people, let them speak first. Avoid explaining or justifying too early. Once the emotion starts to settle, return to point 3.
What’s Next?
Leadership Rapport is different.
Whatever your style, leadership implies authority and guidance. Anyone can lead when things are easy. Under pressure, everything changes. Pressure drives people to the bottom of the 7 Skills Identity Model. They crave Safety, Belonging and Esteem.
At such times, they accept more direction and may lose faith in overly consultative approaches.
In the next chapter, we explore Rapport in two forms:
- Everyday Leadership Rapport: The Power of Recognition and Respect
- High-pressure leadership Rapport: Uniting a Frightened Team and Defeating Overwhelming Odds
Both reveal how Rapport becomes even more crucial when the stakes are high.
Leadership Rapport is Next. Click here.
Further Reading
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995).
The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
Seminal paper establishing belonging as a core human drive—the motivational root of Rapport and social harmony.
Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008).
Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
Explores the biological and emotional cost of disconnection, framing Rapport as a health-protective behaviour.
Decety, J., & Jackson, P. L. (2004).
The functional architecture of human empathy. Behavioral and Cognitive Neuroscience Reviews, 3(2), 71–100.
Maps the neural systems that allow us to feel and understand others’ emotions – key to authentic Rapport.
Eisenberg, N., & Lennon, R. (1983).
Sex differences in empathy and related capacities. Psychological Bulletin, 94(1), 100–131.
Reviews evidence that empathy expression varies by gender, illuminating subtle rapport dynamics.
Harlow, H. F. (1958).
The nature of love. American Psychologist, 13(12), 673–685.
Classic study demonstrating that emotional connection – not utility – is fundamental to trust and bonding.
Kosfeld, M., Heinrichs, M., Zak, P. J., Fischbacher, U., & Fehr, E. (2005).
Oxytocin increases trust in humans. Nature, 435(7042), 673–676.
Ground-breaking experiment showing how the hormone oxytocin chemically enhances interpersonal trust.
Guastella, A. J., Mitchell, P. B., & Dadds, M. R. (2010).
Oxytocin enhances gaze to the eye region of human faces. Biological Psychiatry, 67(1), 6–9.
Demonstrates that oxytocin heightens attention to social cues—an essential component of Rapport.
Ditzen, B., Schaer, M., Gabriel, B., Bodenmann, G., Ehlert, U., & Heinrichs, M. (2009).
Intranasal oxytocin increases positive communication and reduces cortisol levels during couple conflict. Biological Psychiatry, 65(9), 728–731.
Reveals oxytocin’s power to lower stress and improve communication during emotionally charged dialogue.
Lieberman, M. D. (2007).
Social cognitive neuroscience: A review of core processes. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 259–289.
Synthesises research on how the brain constructs understanding of others, bridging neuroscience and Rapport.
Faye, S. (Host). (2020). Neuroscience of connection [Audio podcast episode]. Stefanie Faye Podcast, Series 1 Ep 4. Available at https://stefaniefaye.com
A concise explanation of the brain’s social circuitry and practical tools for cultivating connection.
Weinstein, B., & Heying, H. (2021).
A hunter-gatherer’s guide to the 21st century: Evolution and the challenges of modern life. New York: Portfolio / Penguin.
Explores how ancient social instincts clash with modern isolation—contextualising why Rapport takes conscious effort today.
Syed, M. (2019).
Rebel ideas: The power of diverse thinking. London: John Murray.
Argues that genuine collaboration and psychological safety – built through Rapport – unlocks group intelligence.