Leadership Rapport Is Different
Good leaders make a habit of building Rapport. But they have fewer chances to use the listening and reflective style I recommended in the previous chapter. In fact, that style can be a mistake when people are looking for strong leadership.
I have known sports coaches and business leaders lose their people’s respect when results are poor and they are too tolerant of mistakes and lack of effort. Staff and teammates depend on those results and are looking for improvement via accountability.
After a bad result dishing out a rollicking might be just the ticket. But there are good and bad ways of doing this. And if a coach or leader is ‘digging out’ their people more than 20% of the time, there’s something else going on that is badly wrong.
80% of the time, at the very least, leadership Rapport should be positive and engaging. In this post, I’m going to use two anecdotes to highlight successful approaches;
- The Power of Recognition and Respect: 80% Leadership Rapport, engaging and inspiring in good times.
- Rapport to unite a frightened team and defeat overwhelming odds.
Rapport and the Power of Respect
This is a short story about my friend and colleague, Sandy. He and I joined the Police at about the same time. Sandy was intelligent, fun and had a great sense of humour. He was hard-working, courageous and honest. But he was an average police officer.
He once took over a highly motivated street crime team. They put all their energies, experience and commitment into tackling robbery and car crime. He turned them from the most successful thief-takers in the division to pen pushers.
Whereas his predecessor had swept away paperwork and anything that stopped the officers from getting out on the streets to protect the public, Sandy placed a high value on forms and reports.
In the lower ranks, Sandy was liked but not respected. But he had another quality which set him apart. He made everyone he met feel valued.
Sandy was popular, reliable…
… and his teams never produced any controversy. His career progressed well. And once he’d reached middle management positions, his progress accelerated.
At this point, typically, leaders are more remote, particularly in a uniformed organisation like the Police. But Sandy was never distant. He put himself about and made sure his officers met him regularly.
Sandy was the boss, he didn’t get too friendly, but he always knew something about his people, names, cases, family, interests, etc.
Relaxed and with a ready smile, he could talk to them as individuals, directly linking to the Identity Model and their needs for belonging and respect.
As we know, everyone has this ancient need to be noticed and heard. And that need is fulfilled even more so when a leader meets it.
Notably, in these conversations, Sandy did more listening than ‘telling’. He made everyone he met feel like an essential member of his team. I always believed he was genuine. His authenticity shone through.
I never saw or heard of Sandy losing his temper
He always Managed his State. He could deal with any situation with the same composure. He never shirked a hard decision for fear of being unpopular.
But when tackling mistakes and underperformance, he showed that he still valued and respected the people concerned.
The officers Sandy led understood his motivations and respected his honesty. His people grew to love him and would jump through hoops for him.
An average Police Officer had turned into an extraordinary leader. And his people were doing outstanding work. He was eventually selected for the highest positions in the service.
Uniting a Frightened Team and Defeating Overwhelming Odds
On a cold dark winter evening, I was working tackling crowd trouble after a football match (soccer). I heard a call for backup come over the radio. It was from a team of my officers working in a different part of town.
I jumped into a police van, empty but for the driver, and told him to get me to the scene pronto.
As we arrived, we turned a corner, and our headlamps picked out a line of seven police officers. They were in a ragged cordon, taking small steps backwards.
Facing them were about 250 football hooligans. Reflected in our lights, the thugs’ faces were gleeful and taunting as they saw the police line facing them, nervously backing off.
The thugs were from the away team…
They had outnumbered the local hooligans who’d run off and hidden in a pub. We suspect it was they who had called the police!
The ‘away’ thugs wanted to get into the pub, smash it up and anyone who was hiding in there. The officers had been called to keep them apart and disperse the troublemakers.
But they were vastly outnumbered and lacking the confidence needed to stand firm. I knew if I didn’t get a grip, my officers were seconds away from being overwhelmed.
Sometimes Rapport means Taking Charge
The hooligans’ momentum was building. I leapt out of the van and ran to stand in front of my officers. And there, between my colleagues and the thugs, I shouted;
We’re the f***ing police; we don’t go backwards! Follow me!”
I turned and started walking towards the mob.
You might be wondering how that was Rapportful. Well, I knew what those officers needed at that moment, and it can be explained using the Identity Model.
The officers’ safety was threatened. Yet, if they buckled and ran, they knew their belonging and esteem among colleagues would collapse. Also, they’d be shamed in the eyes of the community.
They had an immediate need to feel safe…
… and to secure their belonging and esteem needs. Empathy wouldn’t achieve that, nor would listening or the other Rapport skills. If I’d tried those approaches, I’d have lost their respect and any influence I had over them.
My direct instruction gave them the urgent and firm leadership they needed. And the Identity of a team that ‘don’t go backwards’ under pressure is one they would willingly take on.
I appeared confident, and this gave them confidence. They knew I had offered them a chance to unite and protect themselves from danger and shame. I had aligned their thinking towards a shared Outcome.
I had turned their instincts from “Away From” into ‘Towards”. They knew what they had to do and were confident that they were now all acting in unison. That’s why it was Rapportful, and that’s why they followed me.
Luckily, I had been in similar situations many times. And I knew how a few people can take on a big crowd. It’s vital for the smaller unit to be unified, think as one, and work as a team for a common purpose. To harvest the strength that comes from togetherness.
Then you have to make the bigger group think as individuals. Two hundred and fifty yobbish minds merged as one would be invincible.
But 250 individuals will feel isolated and vulnerable, like any single person, when they are threatened. They think only of themselves and lose their group Identity.
So these were my Outcomes;
1. To unify my team.
2. To fracture the thugs’ group Identity.
3. To disperse the thugs.
No 3 was essential. Had we caught up with any of the hooligans, they would have had no choice but to fight us. And with their numbers, they would easily overpower us.
Charge!
My body was coursing with adrenalin. I was doing 7-11 Breathing, I was in control of my Identity and State, and my System 2 brain stayed switched on. And so I didn’t fight the adrenalin. It was working for me, making me stronger, sharper and faster.
And when I shouted to my officers, “We’re the f***ing Police, we don’t go backwards! Follow me!”, they could see I was charged and ready to go. They could hear it in my voice. Had they detected uncertainty or doubt, it wouldn’t have worked.
We carried expandable batons. These things are about six inches long (15 cm) when collapsed. A flick of the wrist releases a friction lock, and they expand to about one and a half feet (50 cm).
They are sturdy, made of steel and make an impressive noise as they open up.
I signalled to the officers to collapse their batons. I turned to face the thugs and started walking towards them. I beckoned my officers to follow.
A roar went up from the hooligans
They stood still as we walked towards them and shouted gleefully. Hands beckoning, howls of ‘come on’, as if welcoming a battle.
There was so much noise I wondered if my officers would follow me. But I couldn’t turn around to check. That would have been a sign of weakness to my team and the thugs.
Facing the hooligans and with my back to my colleagues, I signalled to everyone to wrack their batons open. I wanted to do this as one to create a picture of a unified and determined force. And the sound is imposing when a group do this together.
Not looking around, I was relieved to hear all the batons racking open together.
The sight of us walking towards the hooligans in unison, plus the sound and image of the batons opening together, had an effect. For the first time, I saw a flicker of doubt in the faces of the hooligans.
At that moment, just for a second, they went quiet as they lost their group Identity and were thinking as individuals.
Now it was the members of that mob that felt vulnerable…
I had to capitalise on this before they regrouped. At their front was an enormous thick, set bloke. He was obviously the leader. I pointed at him, explained in fluent Anglo-Saxon that I was going to wrap my baton around his neck, and I ran at him.
Over the years, I had perfected a method for running for just this sort of situation. It involves an energetic pumping of knees and arms that looks rapid but generates very little speed.
The last thing I wanted to do was outpace my colleagues or catch up with the mob. And anyway, I had no idea if my officers were following me. I knew I’d be able to tell by the looks on the hooligans’ faces.
You can imagine how happy they’d look if I were running at them on my own.
It took me a second, maybe two, to get my feedback. That flicker of doubt in the yobs’ faces became a fixed stare of disbelief and then fear. I knew the mob’s group identity was fatally broken.
They fell totally silent, and for the first time, I heard my team behind me roaring. I can’t tell you how good that felt! Everyone could hear them, too; the mob splintered, turned and ran.
My team were elated. In a moment, they’d gone from fear of failure and humiliation to ‘against the odds’ success. I turned to them and made the most of the moment in a way I describe in Skill 5 of the 7 ‘Skills of impress™’, The Elevate Formula, .
I bellowed at them, (reinforcing a positive Identity and ‘lasting’ qualities and attributes);
That’s who you are, that’s what we do. We don’t go backwards. We show courage, we work together, and we protect our communities.
I only felt relief. I wracked my baton
… and placed it back in its holster. I tucked my hands in behind my stab vest, so my officers didn’t see them trembling.
I was practised at masking my fear in these situations, but I knew full well that I’d been one quiver of the voice or one glance backwards away from running on my own into a darn good beating.
I had a belief in the power of Identity, Outcomes, Manage Your State and Rapport. Once again, that fabulous foursome had burst through my personal limitations and come through for me.
This is a Good Place for the Summary
Good leaders look to build Rapport with their teams. And yet, this style may not always be correct. There are times when a more direct and assertive leadership style is necessary.
Leaders can lose their people’s respect if they are too easy on mistakes. A lack of effort has to be dealt with, especially when results are poor.
Effective leaders mostly use rapport-building but can switch to a command style when needed. The two stories from my time in the police exemplify this balance.
Sandy’s story showed us the value of connection and respect in good times. While my time with the footy hooligans focused on a team’s need for safety, belonging, and esteem.
It shows how a command style, at the right time, will unify a team and protect their Identity.
In stressful times, leaders must manage their state and provide clear and confident direction to their people. Leading with certainty can inspire confidence and unity.
A unified team can be more powerful than a larger group of individuals. Leaders should foster a sense of togetherness to harness the strength that comes from unity.
Overall, this chapter highlights that building Rapport and strong leadership must be balanced according to the situation and the team’s needs.
Back to John and Training his Sales Team.
You’ll remember that I opened the Rapport chapter with my experience modelling John’s sales technique. Although it didn’t quite work out that way because I had to intervene to help him overcome Simon’s reluctance to engage with him.
After his success with Simon, I was pleased to be asked by John to train his sales team. Obviously, I taught them, Rapport. In fact, I covered IMP and Persuasion Pathways, skills 1-4 of the 7 Skills to impress™.
Nine months later, John and I met to discuss another set of workshops. He said they had increased sales by 37. 6% on the year before. He was delighted with the results and feedback from his team.
As John outlined his team’s feedback, I was thrilled. They said they had been better prepared for sales meetings with Identify Your Outcome and Manage Your State. They loved how Rapport broke down resistance and built strong relationships.
And they were blown away by the influence they gained from step 4 of the 7 Skills to impress™, Reveal Persuasion Pathways.