Life puts challenges and setbacks in our way. As parents, a key role we play is nurturing our children’s resilience to tackle difficulties and bounce back stronger.
“Using the difficulty” teaches a confident mindset – seeing obstacles as opportunities for personal growth. Training kids to draw on their inner strengths when faced with hardship helps instil lifelong confidence.
Here’s a stress-busting thought to keep in mind;
Every setback, upset, and worry your child faces is a chance to build a High IDQ
I explained this inspiring idea in the introduction to Review and Preview. Here’s what I said there:
As a young actor, Sir Michael Caine was given advice that stayed with him for life. In rehearsals one day, there was a scene where he had to walk through a door into a room. But he couldn’t get through the door because a chair was in the way.
He complained to his Director, who simply replied, “Use the difficulty”.
He explained to Caine that when he faced a problem, he should look for what he could create from it rather than give in to it.
For example, he told Sir Michael to smash the chair if he were in a drama. In a comedy, he could fall over it. The idea was to use problems as tools to help him achieve his Outcomes.
Caine said that this became his “line for life”. This outlook has helped him develop the inner strength to be confident, resilient and successful in tough times.
REview & Preview Introduction
“Using the difficulty” is what Thread 3 is all about.
When our children suffer, we suffer too…
When our children suffer, we suffer too…
So it helps to know that these moments are the best times to use the 7 Skills to build a High IDQ. These worrying events are your chance to “Use the Difficulty” to develop your child’s inner strength.
Your child will naturally talk about what worries them
Their troubles will pop out of their mouths, especially when you are in good Rapport.
The first thing to do is listen, which can be hard because parents want to help so much. So we dive in with reassurance, advice and solutions.
Your Child Wants To Be Heard First
But remember, your child wants to be heard first. They’ll resist your best advice if you jump in without Rapport. It’s vital to listen and reflect.
You’ll recall from the Rapport chapter how it implies respect. Your child’s brain will release the feel-good chemicals I told you about there.
Grow Inspiring Self-Belief
Let’s carry on with the SQAs you’ve been surfacing. By now, they’ve adopted the two or three you started with.
So now the idea is to explore how these SQAs will help your child with their challenges. You want to get them to chew over how they will cope and succeed. To think on that, to talk about it.
And as they do, an inspiring belief starts to grow. That they have what it takes!
They believe they can handle the challenges that come their way. That’s when the SQAs begin to merge with their Identity.
So, to begin with, let the listening do most of the heavy lifting. And slowly, start to apply those SQAs you have begun to reveal.
For example, my friends Viraj and Uma have a son called Sam. They’re separated but work well together for his benefit.
This story illustrates how Uma coaches her son Sam to overcome nerves and build self-belief using the 7 Skills techniques.
Sam’s Party Nerves
Some family friends invited Sam to their son’s birthday party. Sam and this boy grew up together as friends but attend different schools.
Sam was nervous and didn’t want to go to a party where he only knew one child.
Patience Is Vital
Uma was very patient and just listened to him talk about this worry. She didn’t try too hard to reassure him. She saw he was a bit happier, getting it off his chest.
While washing the car the next day, Uma asked for Sam’s help with the wheels, praising how much she valued his assistance. As they worked, rapport grew.
Wheels And SQAs
Sam chatted away happily, and Uma said he was doing well on his first try. She told how she could see he was a ‘Fast Learner’.
She pointed out his determination to clean stubborn dirt off the wheels. Sam soaked up the SQA eagerly.
Soon after, Uma took him to the park, where he met another child of the same age. They started playing happily together. So she remarked how he always seems to make friends easily.
Dad Helps With Sam’s SQAs
At the weekend, Sam went to stay with Viraj. Uma asked Sam’s father to focus on the three SQAs she and Sam had revealed. Over the visit, he reflected them to him naturally as they did things together.
Viraj took Sam to school the following Monday morning.
Teacher Joins Team Sam
When Viraj dropped Sam off at school, he gave the three SQAs on a note to his form teacher. He asked her to give Sam feedback when she saw him displaying each of them just once in the week.
That week, his teacher easily pulled out the three SQAs as she watched Sam go about his work and mix with the other kids.
She also mentioned this to teachers from other subjects Sam took. They managed to highlight each SQA at least once between them.
When different people organically highlighted these qualities that same week, the message really hit home.
They were at pains to go slowly and remain authentic. Sam might have thought it was all false if they’d pushed too hard.
Everyone’s Saying The Same Things!
At the end of the week, Sam told his mother that “everyone” was saying he was a fast learner, determined and found it easy to make friends.
Uma asked him to explain. She knew that the more he talked about it, the stronger he would believe in these SQAs. She kept him talking for a short while, using all her Rapport skills.
Soon, Sam was chatting happily about his SQAs. In effect, he was now proofing them to his mother. This is a great way to embed them in a child’s Identity.
Sam Previews The Party
And then, Uma said, “How will your strengths help you at the party?” (Note the Assumption in the sentence – brilliant work, Uma!)
Sam answered without a second thought. He had no doubts that he’d have fun and make new friends. Uma noticed his inner confidence growing.
Uma saw that Sam was more sure of himself. An inner confidence that wasn’t there before. She sensed a bigger change than simply Sam believing in three strengths.
Where Sam’s New Confidence Comes From
And I have an idea of why that might be. Take another look at The 7 Skills Identity Model above.
Uma, Viraj and Sam’s teacher’s work over a few days did much more than get him to believe he had those three SQAs.
It made him feel more wanted and respected. He felt more capable. This, in turn, made him feel safer.
So those three SQAs and the method of embedding them in Sam’s Identity had a bigger impact than the sum of their parts. It boosted his Identity Score.
His boosted Identity changed his Edited Reality of the party. Before this work, he felt unsafe and feared rejection. After, he was confident that he was safe, wanted, respected and capable.
And so, he now looked forward to making new friends.
As the party loomed, Uma managed his occasional nerves by asking him what he’d feel like after having had a great party.
It didn’t really matter what answer he came up with. As long as he accepted the ‘Assumption’ in the question. And he did.
Sam After The Party
The day after the party, Uma made sure she did Review with him. They went on a long walk with their dog. Uma used her Rapport skills on the stroll, talking about what they saw around them.
She got Sam chatting freely. Then she asked him about the party and got him talking about how his SQAs had helped him.
He’d already told her that he’d had a great time. Even though his only friend there was too busy to spend much time with him. And he’d faced some rebuffs from a couple of children early on.
‘Fast Learner’ Sam’s IDQ grew from the rebuffs
He told her he knew he could make friends and was determined to keep trying. Soon this worked for him, and he had fun.
As he was a ‘fast learner’, Uma asked Sam what he had learned from the children who rebuffed him. He thought for a while and said he felt that some people are nervous when meeting people they don’t know.
This was a big moment because now he’d made the rejection ‘Other’. His Esteem was strong enough to ride this setback. Uma’s coaching of Sam’s High IDQ had only just begun. And they’d made a strong start.
Keep Cycling – It’s Still Only Early Days for Sam
These were early days for Sam. As wonderful as his progress was, it wouldn’t have stuck if Uma and Viraj had stopped there. His High IDQ was far from complete and certainly not yet bulletproof.
The secret is to keep cycling through Threads 1 – 3, gently revealing SQAs. Build the list slowly and carefully, like assembling a suit of armour piece by piece.
Uma felt that one a week was ideal. This pace felt comfortable and natural.
Where are we now?
Once you have reached this step, you can go into full Review and Preview with your child.
- You can Review past or current events to disclose new or reaffirm existing SQAs.
- And you can bring to light other SQAs not yet in your child’s skillset. The ones your Review work shows will be helpful to them.
- All the while continuing to Preview challenges that lie ahead. And discuss how they will help them to cope and succeed.
Up Next: Thread 4, Bounce Back and Thrive In Adversity
Now supercharge your child’s SQAs and teach them the mindset of resilience. Challenges can shake a child’s self-belief. But with the proper mental framework, they will bounce back stronger.
Help your child reframe difficulties as Fleeting and unrelated to their identity.
Guide them to recognize their Broad, Lasting inner strengths.
Instil a lifelong perspective that will transform obstacles into opportunities.
Teach the mindset that unlocks grit, courage, and success. Start building their resilience today. Click below to get started:
Thread 4: Bounce Back and Thrive In Adversity