What We Get Wrong About Being a Good Winner and a Good Loser

Why victory is the safest moment to be critical, and defeat the most important moment to build self-belief

In 2006, I heard a football manager describe his team’s performance in a way that has stuck in my mind ever since. It changed my understanding of what makes a good winner and a good loser.

It was Martin O’Neill, after his first match in charge of Aston Villa. They had just drawn 1–1 away to Arsenal in the first competitive match at the brand-new Emirates Stadium.

It was a lucky draw. Villa were outplayed, and for much of the second half it felt like shooting practice as Arsenal totally dominated.

At the end of the match the Villa team would have sat in the dressing room, the same team that had been heading towards relegation the season before, wondering how they could possibly survive the season ahead. 

Until O’Neill gave his verdict:

“I thought our effort was fantastic. They [Arsenal] are up and running at the moment. They had some European games pre-season, so they’re much fitter than us. So when we get fitter, we’ll be OK. And I thought when we had possession of the ball, we played very well. We had some decent chances in the game, and we were always a threat.”

This is inspiring language and every part of it is doing serious work.

O’Neill made the difficulty Other, Narrow and Fleeting. Arsenal’s advantage came from their fitness, which came from playing competitive European matches before the league season began. Fitness could be improved. The gap had a cause, the cause was specific and the problem would pass.

Then he turned to Villa’s SQAs. Their effort was fantastic. They used the ball well, created chances and remained a threat. Those qualities belonged to the players. They were evidence of what the team could already do and what they could build on.

The crucial sentence is only seven words long:

“When we get fitter, we’ll be OK.”

O’Neill acknowledged the mountain, then directed Attention onto the path. His players did not need to become a different team. They needed to get fitter and continue using the qualities they had already demonstrated.

We tend to think of a good winner and a good loser as someone with good grace. A good winner does not gloat. A good loser accepts the result, congratulates the opposition and avoids making excuses.

Those are admirable qualities. They tell us something about a person’s character.

This quote led me to see another purpose: inspiring athletes, families and colleagues to perform beyond what they thought possible. For me, that is what makes a Good Winner and a Good Loser.

The safest time to be critical

Victory temporarily tops up Safety, Belonging and Esteem. The players have evidence that they belong at that level, that their contribution is valued and that they possess the qualities required to succeed.

This makes victory the safest moment to be critical. And because they don’t feel threatened, they are more likely to be open to constructive, critical feedback.

A manager can examine poor decisions, weak passages of play and areas that need improving because the criticism is more likely to be heard as coaching than as a judgement.

The gracious winner who says that everything was brilliant and has no complaints wastes that opportunity. The players feel good, but learn very little from a week in which they could have discussed opportunities for improvement.

The most important time to build self-belief

Defeat creates a different responsibility. Imagine a manager walking into a post-match interview and saying:

“Arsenal are a top team, many sides will struggle here this season, anything we can pick up here is a bonus.”

Football pundits may call this realistic. The manager has acknowledged the difference between the teams and refused to pretend that Villa should expect to win.

The message reaching the players, however, is:

“You are not good enough to compete with teams like this.”

The problem has become Broad because being unable to compete with Arsenal suggests there are many other teams Villa are not good enough to beat either. It has become Lasting because the manager expects that gap to remain throughout the season.

By describing any point as a bonus, the manager inadvertently reveals to his players his belief that winning is beyond their Capability.

After a victory, criticism is more likely to be heard as coaching. After a defeat, the same words can be heard as a verdict.

Mistakes still need reviewing after a defeat, and poor performance still needs to be addressed.

Timing and proportion matter. I recommend that around 80 per cent of the manager’s language should be Towards. It should identify SQAs, build self-belief and direct Attention towards the next controllable action. The remaining 20 per cent can focus on the problems.

This is not about delaying constructive criticism. It is about making sure the players remain open minded and retain the confidence and Capability to act on it.

A Good Loser contains the defeat. The manager makes its causes Other, Narrow and Fleeting, while identifying SQAs that are Self, Broad and Lasting. The SQAs belong to the players and remain available for the next challenge.

What’s truth got to do with it?

There is an understandable objection to O’Neill’s words.

Arsenal had played European matches. They were fitter. Villa would improve their own fitness. To some people, that sounds like a manager reaching for an excuse because his team had been outplayed.

I was once presenting the 7 Skills to impress™ at a university famous for its students’ sporting achievements. The audience included coaches and athletes, and I was explaining the structure of an inspiring speech when one of the coaches interrupted me.

“What if this isn’t true? What if my players just aren’t good enough?”

I could have given him a long answer. Every athlete and every team can improve, and the psychology of playing with belief has a profound effect on Capabilit, as I explore in my post on The Momentu Formula.

Instead, I just asked whether his inspiring speech to the players was going to be:

“Look, we all know you’re not good enough. Just go out there and try not to get too depressed.”

If the players are struggling, how does that version of the truth lift them, build their self-esteem or prepare them to perform with confidence and purpose?

The best coaches help players perform at levels other people did not think possible. To empower and motivate, their language needs to be believable. When the stakes are high, give me credibility over “truth” every time.

Credibility begins with evidence. It asks the manager to select accurately from the many true things that happened.

It was true that Arsenal had dominated long passages of the match. It was reasonable to claim that Villa’s effort had been fantastic, that they had used the ball well when they had it, that they had created chances and that they had remained a threat.

It was credible to say that Arsenal were further ahead in their fitness. It was credible to believe that Villa could close that gap.

O’Neill chose the truths that preserved his players’ Identity and gave them a path towards improvement. His explanation did not end with Arsenal’s advantage. It continued into what Villa could improve and what they already possessed.

That is the difference between an excuse and an inspiring explanation. An excuse merely offers acceptable reasons to fail. An inspiring explanation makes the problem manageable and returns Attention to what the players can influence.

That brings me on to the next, invaluable trait of a ‘Good Winner’.

The mountain and the path

Good leaders understand the difference between the mountain and the path.

Winning the league, qualifying for Europe or avoiding relegation are mountains. They give the team a direction and a meaningful Outcome. They can also become overwhelming when players spend every week staring at the distance still left to climb.

The path is what they can do next.

In basketball, LeBron James reduces difficult passages of play to Stops and Shots. Get a defensive stop. Make the next shot. Then do it again.

Returning to modern day Aston Villa, they now have in Unai Emery a manager widely regarded as one of the league’s best at helping players perform above their perceived ceiling.

Emery talks relentlessly about structure, positioning, consistency and the game plan. These are things his players can work on during training and recognise during a match. They keep Attention on how to play rather than asking the players to focus on the more challenging, ultimate Outcome of winning.

Even during a club-record run of home wins, Emery warned:

“When we are not playing in our structure and organising our structure with and without the ball, even against the best team or bottom team in the table, we are closer to losing.”

I love this language. Emery used a period of success to remind his players how quickly they became vulnerable when they left the path. Structure, positioning and the game plan are things they can work on in training and recognise during a match. They keep Attention on how to play and what to do next.

When a result is slipping out of your hands, an athlete focused solely on the result, the mountain, will get desperate. 

An athlete focused on the process, the next step, Stops and Shots, can keep going. That is what resilience looks like in practice. And it’s all in Attention Direction.

This principle applies after victory and defeat.

After victory, the result has strengthened belief, so the manager can examine the path honestly and improve it.

After defeat, the mountain can suddenly appear much larger. The manager builds self-belief, contains the result and directs Attention towards the next section of the path.

In both situations, the purpose of the language is to build Capability.

What does this mean for you and me?

The examples above apply to how you talk to yourself and to the people who count on you, how you help build confidence, bounce back from setbacks, and have a positive influence on others.

Success and setbacks need different responses. When things go well, use the confidence that success gives you to take an honest look at what could still improve. When things go badly, stop the setback from turning into a story about who you are as a person, i.e. Identity. Treat the cause as something Other, Narrow, and Fleeting. Then be clear about the real strengths that are Self, Broad, and Lasting.

Choose truths that are believable and that build real ability. You can admit the challenge is big while still bringing attention back to the next step that’s actually in your control. Aim for about 80 per cent of what you say to point towards confidence, Capability, and action.

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Sources and further reading

Martin O’Neill’s remarks and the university story are taken from The 7 Skills to impress™, Part 2, Skill 5: The Elevate Formula.

Match information: Arsenal FC and contemporary reports in The Guardian. League position and season records: Premier League. Unai Emery’s remarks: Aston Villa FC.