Rapport and the Power of Listening
This little understood idea builds deep bonds. It develops the sort of connection that opens a child’s mind to your advice as you guide and coach them through life’s hurdles. At the same time, you’ll see how your listening skills will begin to build their High IDQ as it makes them feel safe, valued, and respected.
The basis of building Rapport is listening, an act as powerful as it is underrated.
Here’s a reminder of what I said about Rapport in the 7 Skills Book:
The magic of Rapport is that it meets all the needs of our Identity model. In fact, the simple act of listening to someone can make them feel safe and that they belong and are respected. It also builds feelings of trust and empathy.
Paying heed to what someone is saying implies that we hold them in high regard and has been a sign of status and esteem throughout history. The talker is learning that they have something of value to say. It tells them that they are safe with us and worthy of our attention. It creates a sense of belonging.
This idea dates back to our Hunter-Gatherer roots. As humans evolved, they needed to work together to survive in a harsh, unsafe world. If you had a tribe, you had safety in numbers.
Life was more secure if you were among people working for each other. Sharing skills strengthened the whole group. And so, in ancient times, tribes valued skilled, capable people. They were respected and their wisdom was valued. And when they spoke, people listened.
When we listen to someone, they feel valued and wanted. We’re connecting them to an ancient need.1
Modern-day Brain Scanners confirm that this primitive drive is still with us. They show that when people hear their ideas reflected back to them, the pleasure centres in the brain light up. Their worldview is being accepted, and they feel smarter.2
Studies have shown that this type of feedback raises levels of one of the pleasure hormones, Oxytocin. It has been linked to increases in people’s sense of connection, trust and empathy. This is why building Rapport is enjoyable and satisfying for the client as we meet their ancient need to be heard.
This is the big secret of Rapport and why you’ll create magnetic connections with it.
How to Build Rapport
Do you remember that chapter from the 7 Skills Book? Here’s the summary (slightly adjusted to fit Rapport with Children) to jog your memory;
A Short, Sweet Summary
- Have an Outcome specifically for Rapport. Include Realisation and 7-11 Breathing.
- Start by getting your child talking about something they’re interested in.
- Listen carefully, gently ask questions for clarification. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know so that I understand the world through their eyes?”
- Reflect back and casually ask further questions about what they said.
- When you can, repeat a phrase your child has used, turning it into a question.
- Avoid judgement or sharing your own content.
- Where possible, reflect rather than rephrase.
- Be authentic.
- When your child is angry, do not explain, justify or excuse. Let them offload within the boundaries of your rules on behaviour. Set your Outcome and Realisation, and then start at point 3.
(Note how well these tips fit with the Together Time Ritual I talked about in rule 2. Click here to jump to the Together Time Ritual.
There’s something else to keep in mind about Rapport with kids…
They are not always open to advice and guidance, even when a sense of trust and belonging exists between children and their parents and carers. Children acquire natural immunity to sound advice from their elders.
So never assume that you are in the sort of Rapport that unlocks their minds to your words of reason.
When you listen to them in the way I describe in the 7 Skills book, the good news is that you forge a connection that overcomes their resistance. And you build into them a sense of being safe, valued and respected. This becomes the framework for their High IDQ. Which means it is the basis for their happy, confident and successful life.
But to do this, you have to put the time in. You need to have quality time, and that is not something you can just switch on.
Start Early, Be Patient and Authentic…
Start as early in their lives as possible, spend time developing Rapport and be patient. This is a long-term plan for a lifelong connection. So don’t force it. If you are met with silence, then bide your time.
It’s OK to have a dull time together. Know that this is Other, Fleeting and Narrow. Manage your state, go with the flow and don’t insist they talk. If you keep making time together, your opportunity will come.
If you are feeling pressured by time or other issues, it can be good to talk a little about your feelings. So long as you describe it in terms that are Other, Fleeting and Narrow. Explain that you’re short of time or feeling a little tense about a problem you are facing.
They’ll realise that any frustration you are displaying is temporary and not because of them. They’ll value even more the time you manage to spend with them. And your openness may draw them out to talk about their feelings. A response that you can gently explore to build Rapport.
Remember, resistance is just a sign of a lack of Rapport…
So be patient and authentic and wait for your child to say something. Show some interest and gently ask questions that help you to be clear on what they are saying.
It will get easier and easier as time goes on. You will build a deep lifetime connection. And as you do, you are crafting the foundation on which their High IDQ grows. Their minds are becoming more receptive to you, so you can guide and coach them through life’s hurdles.
Listening creates deep bonds with kids.
Ask gentle questions, and reflect their words back without judgement. Avoid sharing your own stories.
This magical drill bypasses resistance and unlocks their sense of safety, value, and self-respect.
Start early and be patient. This profound connection builds the foundations on which they come to thrive.
Up Next: Rule 4 Part 1. Giving Your Children A Sense of Purpose
In Rule 4, you’ll learn to unlock your child’s sense of purpose. You’ll discover how to nurture curiosity, focus and drive in an era of constant distraction. See their motivation, talents, and IDQ blossom into the foundations for their successful lives.
Boost their innate strengths and empower your child to thrive with this prized mindset.
Previous Chapter: Rule 2: The Quality Time Myth
The 5 Rules for Inspirational Parenting Index
References
1Mindset neuro podcast No. 4
2Link Rebel Ideas P47.