With the ‘Practice Rapport’ tools, you’ll take your talents for inspiration and ethical influence to a new level. Rapport enhances your influence by creating a climate of trust and understanding. It makes people feel magnetically drawn to you and receptive to your message.
And you can be in Rapport with anyone. Even when you don’t agree or when people are angry or trying to resist your message. And it’s easy once you know how.
In this chapter, I’m going to talk about;
- How to build Rapport with anyone.
- The science: How Rapport builds magnetic connections with your client.
- How Rapport builds your influence and persuasiveness.
- Being influential and persuasive with angry or resistant people.
A Spanner in the Works
John, a company director and a successful salesman, asked if I could model his sales strategy and train it to his people. I liked the idea and agreed to go on a few sales meetings with him.
The first meeting was simply to close a deal John had already agreed in principle with the company CEO. We were meeting a director, Simon, to sort out the details.
But as soon as we sat down with Simon, things started to go wrong. Unfortunately for John, he resented being told to source an outside company and having his discretion overruled. He threw spanners in the works from the start
Ten minutes in, and Simon had batted every suggestion away…
… ”We already do that”, was his stock response. I could see he was a bit on edge and proud of his projects. John was struggling and shot me a couple of nervous glances, so I said to Simon,
“It seems, Simon, like you’re doing a lot of exciting things here. Could we hear more about them?”
A quick Note: Influence Vs Manipulation
There is an ethical question to consider with Rapport. We have to keep in mind that influence and manipulation are not the same things.
The Rapport I achieved with Simon lowered his resistance, and he became receptive to John’s services. But this happened because we took the time to understand Simon’s position.
We built Rapport with the authentic desire to listen and learn. We found out what Simon had achieved and where he still had some gaps. And John was able to offer services that were a perfect fit for Simon’s needs.
If John had used Simon’s openness to force a product on him that he didn’t need, it would’ve come back to bite him. Before long, Simon would realise what had gone on. It would’ve broken Rapport forever and trashed John’s reputation.
If John had learned that what he was offering wasn’t a good fit for Simon, it would be better to leave it for another day.
We had built Rapport and trust. And a deal will be possible anytime in the future when the product matches the need. In the meantime, Simon would be left with a good impression of John and likely open other doors for him.
The Science Behind The Magic: Why Rapport Is So Powerful
Simon, like us all, wants to feel included and respected. His CEO hadn’t discussed asking for John’s help, assuming he’d be grateful for an extra resource. But to Simon, this felt like a lack of respect and recognition. Which is why he became obstructive.
The magic of Rapport is that it meets all the needs of The 7 Skills Identity model. In fact, the simple act of listening to someone can make them feel safe and that they belong and are respected. It also builds feelings of trust and empathy.
Paying heed to what someone is saying implies that we hold them in high regard and has been a sign of status and esteem throughout history. The talker feels that they have something of value to say. It tells them that they are safe with us and worthy of our attention. It creates a sense of belonging.
This idea dates back to our Hunter-Gatherer roots. As humans evolved, they needed to work together to survive in a harsh, unsafe world. If you had a tribe, you had safety in numbers. And they needed a range of skills. Hunters, fishers, builders, fighters etc.
Life was more secure if you were among people who worked for each other. Sharing skills strengthened the whole group. And so, in ancient times, tribes valued skilled, capable people. They were respected, and their wisdom was valued. And when they spoke, people listened.
When we listen to someone, they feel valued and wanted. We’re connecting them to an ancient need.
Modern-day Brain Scanners confirm that this primitive drive is still with us. When people hear their ideas reflected back to them, the pleasure centres in the brain light up. Their worldview is being accepted, and they feel smarter.
Studies have shown that being listened to raises levels of the pleasure hormone Oxytocin. It has been linked to increases in people’s sense of trust and empathy. This is why building Rapport is enjoyable and satisfying for the client as we meet their ancient need to be heard.
This is the big secret of Rapport and why it will enable you to create magnetic connections.
Be Authentic
Do you remember the question I asked, “It seems to me, Simon, you’re doing a lot of exciting things here, could we hear more about them”? That opened the door for Simon to offload. It invited him to tell us about what was important to him and for us to listen. From then on, I picked up on his answers, asking questions to understand and clarify his meaning.
I authentically narrowed my field of attention to Simon’s view of the world. At that moment, my only interest was to grasp as entirely as I could what Simon was telling me. I asked myself, “What do I need to know so that I see the world as Simons sees it?” And this thought informed my questions.
Before long, he began to relax and started to open up. Soon Simon was talking freely. I encouraged him to talk more by listening carefully to every word and asking more questions. I walked a few minutes in his shoes.
It took less than ten minutes for Simon’s attitude to turn around completely. His resistance dropped, and he became friendly and receptive. When I brought John back into the chat, he respectfully offered ideas for where he could plug some gaps for Simon and reduce his workload.
Simon readily accepted what he now saw as a fair offer. He made it clear that the deal we agreed on would be the first of many.
No Judgment, No sharing, Just Listening
I didn’t judge what Simon was saying. I shared no opinions, nor did I suggest John’s excellent team could do better, although I believed they could. I simply listened and encouraged him to open up some more.
Building Rapport should not be mistaken for a ‘conversation’. I had a lot of experience in the areas Simon mentioned. But repeating your own examples does not build Rapport. Instead, because you are ‘telling,’ not ‘listening,’ it breaks Rapport. So I kept them to myself.
It’s natural to want to express your ideas, thoughts and experiences…
… after all, every one of us has that need to be heard. For many, it’s an urge too strong to resist. So when building Rapport, I always practice 7-11 Breathing. This keeps me calm. I can quickly suppress the desire to share my thoughts and concentrate on listening.
Listening when you have little in Common
I was asked to work with a Premiership soccer player, an attacking midfielder we’ll call Luke.
His coaches wanted him to be more consistent. Luke and I had little in common. He was a young, super-fit elite athlete, and I’m none of those things! Culturally our backgrounds were worlds apart, and we used different phrases and vocabulary.
He was a bit reserved when we sat down together, and our contrasts were pretty apparent. But I knew that Rapport would bridge the gap.
Everybody likes to talk about what interests them. So that’s where I nearly always start. Then I listen carefully and reflect back respectfully, and clarify what I understand. Bit by bit, I build that powerful connection called Rapport. I used the same approach with Luke.
Footballers like to talk about their game, so I began by asking how his form was. He replied:
I’m cruising
A short and clipped reply, he was nervous but I knew he’d soon relax. “I’m cruising” is not a phrase I would typically use. But it was natural to Luke, so I made a mental note of it.
I avoid rephrasing someone’s words with my own…
We all use different turns of phrase for the same ideas. This reflects the subtle variations in the ER that we gain from similar experiences. And so, people will make slightly different meanings out of the same words. We naturally summarise what someone has said with our own vocabulary, not theirs. But by doing so, we are adjusting their meaning, and that’s not rapportful.
These are the critical points of our talk. I’ve abridged it slightly to save you from reading reams of text.
Me: “OK, what’s happening when you’re cruising?
Luke: “I’m buzzing, cruising, it all feels so easy”.
Me: “It all feels so easy?”
Repeating a phrase by turning it into a question is excellent for Rapport. You’re using their words, so it hits the spot, and it encourages a lengthier response.
Luke: “Yeah, you know, you just know where everyone is without thinking, my passes are sweet, I find the gaps, move it, [the ball], quickly and have time and space. It’s a buzz, lifting the team and the crowd”.
Me: “Wow, cruising must be a great feeling?”
Luke: “Yeah, it’s crazy.”
Luke’s language is mostly ‘feeling’ (sensory language) and ‘external’. These are ‘Persuasion Pathways’, which you’ll read about in the next chapter. I adopted that style to be more rapportful. As our chat progressed, I saw that Luke was enjoying talking. He was more relaxed and was speaking freely.
Me: “So you’re cruising, everything feels so easy, you’ve been getting that buzz all game, you’ve got that time and space, what can you do that maybe you can’t at other times?
Luke: “I make things happen, open up gaps, get the ball in behind, create chances, we carry a threat. I make everybody look good, the team feels together”.
Me: Nodding
Luke: “Yeah, everybody’s buzzing. After the game, they’re high fiving and slapping me on the back, shouting, laughing – it’s cool”.
Me: “So when you’re right on it, you’re helping the team feel together; they’re buzzing?”
Luke: “Yeah, yeah.”
Me: “how would it feel if you were cruising every game?”
Luke: “That’s my dream …”
Me: “If that’s your dream, what’s stopping you?”
Rapport was good, and Luke opened up. He went on to explain freely what his blockage was and ask for my help. That was the result I needed, and we did good work together.
I stayed authentic all the way through. I didn’t try to talk like a twenty-four-year-old footballer. I reflected his language and sensory style respectfully. I didn’t impose my own understanding or experience into the conversation.
Rapport with Angry and Resistant People
Eddard would always say that Rapport was a powerful tool for negotiations with hostile and resistant characters. He found that people would put a weapon down, step off a roof or release a hostage much more quickly and easily. Building rapport allowed him to connect with unreasonable people in a new, calm and persuasive way.
Many times, that was my experience too. I’ll put some of those stories in the blog, but here’s a more everyday example of turning an angry argument around using Rapport.
How Trying To Help Can Damage Rapport
A UK call centre hired me to help staff deal with criticism and abuse from clients.
They managed the delivery of health products for people with a range of delicate personal conditions. Clients ordered and arranged home delivery online, but they often made mistakes on the system. This led to deliveries on the wrong days and times when they were out.
The delivery drivers seemed to be incredibly insensitive. Embarrassing personal sanitary products would be left on doorsteps in clear sight. Urgently needed medicinal supplies left out to spoil in the rain. Too often, these essentials didn’t arrive at all.
Every day, the call centre staff had to deal with a stream of stressful, angry calls from upset clients. They were good people who truly cared, which was part of the problem.
They spent too much time explaining, justifying, apologising, and not enough listening. As hard as they tried, their clients’ anger rose, and they would get nowhere.
I talked to them about Rapport, and in practice, it went well. But back at the coal face, they couldn’t stop explaining and trying to problem solve. Nothing was getting better.
One day after a training input, I went into the call centre to see what was going on. Immediately, I was waved over by one of the staff. A call was coming through from Mrs Oakley, one of the centre’s most infamous complainers. Everyone in the centre was looking. Clearly they expected the ‘expert’ to take this one and show how it’s done.
I was handed the phone, and as soon as I had said hello and introduced myself, a verbal assault followed. I set myself Outcomes, to be patient, to listen and reflect. My Realisation was imagining appreciative nods and comments from the staff.
This dejected woman had a proper problem…
She had run out of incontinence pads, and her order was late. When it arrived, it had been dumped on her doorstep in the rain when she was out. Mrs Oakley was embarrassed that her neighbours and friends had seen them. And they were ruined.
I let her offload as I always do with angry people. You can’t work with them until they’ve got the anger off their chests. I ummed and ahhed and said, ‘I hear you,” to let her know I was respectfully listening. I noted how she used the word ‘desperate’ quite often. So in the first gap in her tirade, I said, “I hear you, Mrs Oakley, it sounds like a desperate situation”.
These measures changed the conversation quickly. Mrs Oakley began to feel that someone was listening and respected and understood her. The tirade continued, but the tone was softer, and now she was talking as if to a supporter. The problem was no longer “you”; it was “them”.
Mrs Oakley carried on talking for a few minutes. I didn’t once try to explain why the delivery went wrong. I didn’t justify, apologise or try to rectify anything. I encouraged her to talk and let her know I was listening. I reflected back to her at every opportunity. Gradually her pace and tone of voice reduced down to something like normal. In less than five minutes, she was calm.
At the heart of the problem was a simple mistake that Mrs Oakley made every time she used the online system. But she had never been calm enough to listen to advice before. So now that she was at ease, and we were in Rapport, I said, “my colleague here has been looking into your deliveries, and she’s got an idea she thinks would help you. Would you like me to put her on?” She readily agreed.
This turn around was quite a change from the usual ten-minute rant ending with the phone being slammed down. I saw and heard appreciative nods and comments from the team.
A Short, Sweet Summary
- For any meeting, have an Outcome specifically for Rapport. Include Realisation and 7-11 Breathing.
- Start by getting your client talking about something they’re interested in.
- Listen carefully and gently ask questions for clarification. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know so that I understand the world through their eyes?”
- Reflect back and casually ask further questions about what they said.
- When you can, repeat a phrase your client has used, turning it into a question.
- Avoid judgement or sharing your own content.
- Where possible, reflect rather than rephrase.
- Be authentic.
- When people are angry, do not explain, justify or excuse. Let them offload, set your Outcome and Realisation and then start at point 3.
Take The Quiz For This Chapter
Are you ready to put your rapport-building skills to the test?
Take our chapter quiz to assess your ability to assess your understanding of how to increase trust, lower resistance and boost influence, even in challenging situations.
What’s Next?
Leadership Rapport is different.
Whatever your leadership style, the role implies a level of authority and guidance. Anyone can be a leader when things are going well. But pressure changes everything and separates the pretenders from the real thing.
Pressure plunges people to the bottom of The 7 Skills Identity Model. They yearn to be led back to safety, belonging and esteem. In times like this, they will accept more authority and may lose faith in overly consultative and tolerant approaches.
In the next chapter, we look at two examples of leadership Rapport. I give an example of everyday leadership Rapport: ‘The Power of Recognition and Respect’. And another, ‘Uniting a Frightened Team and Defeating Overwhelming Odds’, is about when Rapport helped a team facing an angry mob seize victory from the jaws of humiliating defeat.
Leadership Rapport is next. Click here.
Previous Chapter
Index
Glossary of Terms
References with Summary
References:
- Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529.
- Eisenberg, N., & Lennon, R. (1983). Sex differences in empathy and related capacities. Psychological Bulletin, 94(1), 100-131.
- Decety, J., & Jackson, P. L. (2004). The functional architecture of human empathy. Behavioral and Cognitive Neuroscience Reviews, 3(2), 71-100.
- Lieberman, M. D. (2007). Social cognitive neuroscience: A review of core processes. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 259-289.
- Harlow, H. F. (1958). The nature of love. American Psychologist, 13(12), 673-685.
- Kosfeld, M., Heinrichs, M., Zak, P. J., Fischbacher, U., & Fehr, E. (2005). Oxytocin increases trust in humans. Nature, 435(7042), 673-676.
- Guastella, A. J., Mitchell, P. B., & Dadds, M. R. (2010). Oxytocin enhances gaze to the eye region of human faces. Biological Psychiatry, 67(1), 6-9.
- Ditzen, B., Schaer, M., Gabriel, B., Bodenmann, G., Ehlert, U., & Heinrichs, M. (2009). Intranasal oxytocin increases positive communication and reduces cortisol levels during couple conflict. Biological Psychiatry, 65(9), 728-731.
- Stefanie Faye Neuroscience Podcast Series 1 Episode 4.
- A Hunter-Gatherer’s Guide to the 21st Century: Evolution and the Challenges of Modern Life, Bret Weinstein, Heather Heying.
- Rebel Ideas: The Power of Diverse Thinking, Matthew Syed.