When you use the tools from this chapter, it will feel like you are reading minds. When someone speaks, you will hear cues hidden in their language that tell you how their mind works and how to influence them.
We learned in Part 1 how we constantly sift, sort and edit the info we stream through our senses. System 1 focuses on anything that is a fit for our Identity.
This data forms the basis of our Edited Reality (ER). So data that fits our Identity is easily absorbed into our ER. It pushes itself to the front and even overwrites less attuned info.
So, if we channel our messages into these ER fast lanes, our ability to influence is magnified many times over.
Everyone’s speech is peppered with hints on how to open these fast lanes, or ‘Persuasion Pathways’ (PPs). So anyone who knows how to listen can spot them.
In this chapter, we will cover;
- The Five PPs I use regularly;
- Sensory Language
- Towards or Away From Safety Impulse
- Sameness or Difference Bias
- Internal or External Scan
- The Primal Motivator
- How to detect PPs in language.
- How to use PPs to persuade, motivate and inspire.
Again – It’s All About Listening!
You will spot the first two PPs by listening to how your ‘client’ speaks. For the rest, you ask questions. And when you are listening to their reply, their PP is given away. It doesn’t matter what order you ask them in, but Rapport is vital.
In the last chapter, Practice Rapport, we met Simon in a sales meeting. I used Rapport and Persuasion Pathways to get around his resistance to John’s services. After introducing you to each PP, we’ll return to that meeting and the PPs I revealed and how I used them to ethically influence.
1. Sensory Language
When we talk and describe things, we mention what we see, hear, feel and think. Typically, people prefer one or more of these sensory styles. The senses that make up their PP will be the ones they use the most to make sense of the world.
Please note that there are some people who don’t use any sensory language. This is a mode all of its own called ‘Thinking Style’ (more on this below).
When I’m working with a client, Sensory Language is the first of the Persuasion Pathways I listen for. When you begin to build Rapport, people are usually a bit reserved. At that time, their language will not contain much sensory information. They are primarily in ‘Thinking Style’.
Once they warm up and feel Rapport…
… their full range of sensory language starts to flow. The primary senses that come out are Seeing, Hearing, Feeling, and Thinking. You can practice listening out for them anywhere, at any time, with anyone.
Once you have worked out their preferred sensory styles, it’s simple to practice adapting to their manner of speech. As you do, you deepen Rapport and influence.
So take note, are they talking about what they ‘see,’ or how things ‘look’ to them, or is it more about what they want to ‘hear’, the way things’ sound’?
Perhaps they use their feeling sense most; this will involve reflecting emotions or movement. Words like it ‘feels’ right, or we need to ‘get a grip’ and ‘move’ things along.
Thinking people use little sensory language. Their conversation involves lists, facts and figures and what they ‘know’.
When you adopt your client’s sensory style;
- They feel more comfortable (feeling);
- What you say sounds more acceptable (hearing);
- It’s easier to ‘see’ your point (seeing).
- You think the same way (thinking).
Discover Your Preferred Sensory Language
Do you know your preferred sensory language style? Have a go at our quick and easy Sensory Language Test. It might surprise you. The results come with a complete description of each sensory style and the different ways they shape our Edited Reality.
And Back To Simon
And this is how it was with Simon. After a few minutes, I noticed his first sensory words. He was mainly talking in a feeling sense. He said things like how he had ‘got a grip’, ‘got things moving’, ‘making progress felt good’. So as I asked questions to deepen Rapport, I said things like, “How did you feel at the start of that project?” “How did you get this project rolling?”
After a while, Rapport had developed well, and Simon was talking freely. His language was pretty much all Feeling and Thinking.
Thinking involves a lot of self-talk and a desire to understand and be understood. Feeling involves emotions which interlace with the other senses. And so when Simon’s self-talk was negative, he would feel bad. When it was positive, he would feel good.
I adopted these sensory styles when I moved Simon to John’s Outcome. The way I did this is referenced in my ‘close’ at the end of this chapter.
2. Towards or Away From Safety Impulse
This is another Persuasion Pathway that you will uncover as you listen to your client’s language. You’re seeking to understand if someone, under pressure, feels safer moving either;
- Towards a solution, or,
- Away From the problem.
Persuasion Pathways reflect a person’s Identity. It’s natural for a Low IDQ to move ‘Away From' anything that may pose a threat to their safety, belonging or esteem. And unfortunately, a Low IDQ senses such risk in every pressure situation.
When Low IDQ people face pressure, their off-the-cuff language will be ‘Away From’. Those with a High IDQ will use ‘Towards' language and seek to deal with a challenge by finding a solution. For example;
How to Pitch Towards / Away From
An ‘Away From’ will like our Outcome if it places them out of reach of the threat. ‘Towards’ people will be more receptive to your Outcome if it moves them towards the solution. And it’s pretty simple to phrase your Outcome either way;
- Away From: “[my Outcome] is going to put these problems behind you once and for all.”
- Towards: “[my Outcome] will help you get on top of this issue and deal with it.”
Simon’s Safety Instinct
There is a potential complication, though. An Away From person can be very satisfied when they position themselves out of range of all risks and problems.
The difficulty is they can spend their time, energy and resources moving ‘Away From’ problems, but they end up achieving nothing. It gradually occurred to me that this may be an issue with Simon.
Simon had revealed an ‘Away From’ safety instinct right at the start of our meeting. He began by saying it was a risk allowing outsiders to take over his projects. Simon talked about the need to protect the company from reputational damage.
But he hadn’t completed any of the projects he outlined. I wondered if this influenced his CEO’s request to bring in outside help.
I adopted an ‘Away From’ style during the Rapport building. I said things like, ‘So Simon, you felt you needed control of this project to protect the company’s reputation?”
In that way, I was speaking directly to his Identity, channelling his Persuasion Pathway and building strong Rapport.
You will see how my close sought to engage his Away From safety instinct to move him to accept John’s services.
3. Internal / External Scan
The Question: How do you know when you’ve done a good job?
The reply to this will be somewhere between;
- Internal: “I just know, I feel comfortable about it; it sounds right to me; it looks good to me.
- External: “The feedback when people are pleased; when people sound happy; when people look pleased, they seem satisfied with what I’ve done.
An Internal person is confident in their own mind. They will take some convincing if you disagree with them. They appear to be sure and unmoved by criticism. They may miss helpful feedback because they edit it out if it doesn’t match their thinking.
An External person will worry about what everyone thinks of them. And so, they often change their minds and moods. They need regular reassurance. They will take criticism hard and appear needy or negative.
I think of internal and external as on opposite ends of a scale. Few people are at either extreme, but many do fall closer to one side than the other. Depending on where they fall, this makes them more or less sensitive to people’s views.
Being near the centre but offset towards internal is a strong position. It makes someone confident while still open to feedback.
How To Pitch Internal / External
Internal: “People normally tell me that [my Outcome] just feels right, that they just know it’s working for them”.
External: “People normally tell me that [from my Outcome] they get great feedback, everyone seems happy with what they’ve done”.
Was Simon Internal or External?
I asked, “Simon, how do you know when a project is going well?” We were in good Rapport, and this Persuasion Pathway popped out straight away. He replied, “The reaction in everyone’s faces. I feel the positivity?” This told me he scanned externally (and ‘feeling’).
4: Sameness / Difference Awareness
The Question: How does x compare with x last period?
‘X’ could be anything at all that your client talks about. It could be a job, their performance, a car, a holiday and so on. And you can use any period, an hour, a day, a week, a month or a year etc.
In their reply, you’ll hear them describe the two events as;
- Mostly alike, or,
- Mostly different, or,
- A mixture of sameness and difference.
No matter how uniform, any two things can be full of differences in the mind of a ‘difference’ person. For a sameness person, the opposite is true. There is no such thing as a ‘correct’ answer to this question. We’re not trying to work out how same or different ‘X’ really is. What we are looking for is an insight into how your client creates their Edited Reality.
Please take care of how you frame the question. The wording is very carefully chosen not to lead the answer towards sameness or difference. Often I’ve found that people respond by asking, “In what way do you mean?” I repeat and never clarify because I want their natural response.
How To Pitch Sameness / Difference
Simon was Aware of Difference.
Again, the question gave me the answer immediately. I picked up on two of the projects Simon had mentioned and asked how they compared. He talked entirely about their differences.
5. The Primal Motivator
The Question: What’s important to you about…?
This question helps Rapport because people enjoy talking about what’s important to them. And it reveals our deepest and most potent motivator, an inspiration buried deep in our subconscious.
We are often unaware of it. But it has an unmatched ability to set alight our natural motivation. It’s truly compelling. This is why I call it the ‘Primal Motivator’.
The question usually needs to be repeated in slightly varying styles a few times. The first reply is often the ‘acceptable’ thing to say. The second usually scratches at the surface.
About the third time you rephrase it, the person you are talking to will pause, and their eyes start to move around, and they’ll say something like, ‘Oh, I’m not sure”. And then it pops out. Then you know you are getting to the heart of their Identity and subliminal triggers.
Be ready for more or fewer attempts to get this Persuasion Pathway; everyone is different. You’ll know when you are there from the reaction I described above. And they will give the same answer if you repeat the question.
What was Simon’s Primal Motivator?
Towards the end of my Rapport build, I asked, “What’s important to you about delivering these projects, Simon?” First of all, he talked about the company’s mission statement and core values. I wrote that off as ‘Acceptable Answer No 1’.
To get past this response, I simply said, “And what really mattered to you about that?” He replied, “We get things done; we improve people’s lives. That’s what we’re about here.”
Now, when I say, for me, that was ‘Acceptable Answer No 2,’ I’m not being flippant. It’s just I’m looking for a more personal and profound response.
The one that comes directly from Simon’s Identity, the one he has to go deep and search for. Because that answer is the number one motivator for his life. And we got it on the next go.
I said, “Yes, I get this; you’re working to those core values that drive the whole organisation. And you are delivering all these projects. So I’m interested in what’s important to you about that?”
He rocked back in his chair and murmured a few things like, “well, I’m not sure”. A promising sign that he was going into that deep internal search. Then it just popped out, “I want to be trusted. I want to be respected”.
So that was quite a personal revelation. It helped to explain why his CEO had offended him when she asked him to engage John’s services. Remember, we were in good Rapport. And the PP questions strike right into the heart of Identity.
Here it is at last: The Close!
My close reflected Simon’s Persuasion Pathways;
I said to Simon:
“Thanks, that was interesting. I got a good feel for what you’re doing. And, I think the difference with John’s company is that they care about reputation. They have a record of keeping projects away from pitfalls that damage respect.
So I think you can feel happy about them helping you put a smile on people’s faces. I can’t tell you how much trust and respect they’ll help you develop, but getting things done on time, on budget, and with no problems usually is good for these things.
What do you think? Do you feel that now is the time to get an idea of what John has to offer?”
Simon was in great Rapport. He felt trusted and respected by John and me. And as soon as I finished speaking, he agreed without a second thought. John was able to outline an offer that worked for Simon.
It Must Be Time for The Summary!
Revealing Persuasion Pathways goes hand in hand with Rapport building. The questions are Rapportful themselves and deepen bonds.
The Persuasion Pathways are;
- Sensory Language
- Towards or Away From Safety Instinct
- Sameness / Difference Awareness (How does x compare with x?)
- Internal / External Bias (How do you know when…?)
- Primal Motivator (what’s important to you…?
I use Persuasion Pathways all the time. They’ve helped me build friendships, make an impact in meetings, and engage clients. I’ve used them on the touchline, coaching athletes in the pouring rain. And they play a crucial part when I’m putting together uplifting speeches.
When I’m coaching, I weave PPs into a conversation. It doesn’t feel like working to my clients. For them, it’s a relaxing ‘chat.’ But I’m deepening Rapport. And quietly and ethically, revealing the fast track to unlock their untapped talents.
My language becomes compelling because I’m utilising my client’s unique way of making sense of the world as I steer them towards their goals.
Take The Quiz For This Chapter
Do you think you can influence anyone by revealing their persuasion pathways?
Take this quiz to check your understanding of how to leverage hidden cues in people’s language to become a more influential communicator.
Quickly assess your expertise in this vital skill for deeply connecting with others and inspiring them towards your desired outcomes.
To be honest, This is a Link to the Next Chapter
The 7 Skills work in harmony with each other and are stronger for those connections.
As you delve deeper into the pages of The 7 Skills to impress™, you’ll learn a robust system bound together by the theory of Identity and Edited Reality.
These skills work in harmony, and each skill strengthens all the others. They are effective and practical because of this union. Together, they elevate your confidence, resilience and influence to new heights.
And what’s coming up next is truly game-changing: Skill 5, The Elevate Formula. It is both a way of thinking and a language style. It can be detected in anyone’s speech, and in only a few words, you can see where the speaker falls on the IDQ scale.
And once you learn the The Elevate Formula, you can adopt its uplifting magic into your words and face adversity with calm confidence. And you will naturally inspire others to do the same.
Yep, it’s that good, that’s why it needs a whole chapter.
The Elevate Formula is next! Click here.
Previous Chapter
Index
Glossary of Terms
References with Summary
References
- Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion” by Robert Cialdini:
- Elliot, A. J., & Church, M. A. (1997). A hierarchical model of approach and avoidance achievement motivation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(1), 218-232.
- Higgins, E. T. (1997). Beyond pleasure and pain. American Psychologist, 52(12), 1280-1300.
- Carver, C. S., & Scheier, M. F. (2012). Perspectives on personality (7th ed.). Pearson.
- Oettingen, G., & Mayer, D. (2002). The motivating function of thinking about the future: Expectations versus fantasies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(5), 1198-1212.
- Hsee, C. K., & Zhang, J. (2010). Distinction bias: Misprediction and mischoice due to joint evaluation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(5), 809-819.
- Stasser, G., & Titus, W. (1985). Pooling of unshared information in group decision making: Biased information sampling during discussion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 48(6), 1467-1478.
- Grant, A. M., & Hofmann, D. A. (2011). It’s not all about me: Motivating hand hygiene among health care professionals by focusing on patients. Psychological Science, 22(12), 1494-1499.
- Niemiec, C. P., Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2009). The path taken: Consequences of attaining intrinsic and extrinsic aspirations in post-college life. Journal of Research in Personality, 43(3), 291-306.
- Sheldon, K. M., & Houser-Marko, L. (2001). Self-concordance, goal attainment, and the pursuit of happiness: Can there be an upward spiral? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(1), 152-165.
- Charvet, S. R. (2019). Words That Change Minds: The 14 Patterns for Mastering the Language of Influence. Kendall Hunt Publishing.