Stay in Accord is a language skill for working with System 1, the subconscious mind that guards a person’s beliefs. It reduces resistance to your message by speaking its language and quietly slipping past its defences to shape your client’s Edited Reality.
The Stay in Accord Tools Are
- Flow Words
- Pacing
System 1 forms beliefs about how the world works, how to stay safe, accepted and respected. These System 1 beliefs form our Identity, which creates our Edited Reality.
If we are to influence anyone, we want to have an effect on their Edited Reality. To do this, we have to work with their belief system, not against it.
System 1 will slam the door shut on anything that doesn’t agree with its purpose, especially in stressful times. So a client will not respond to reassuring words that run counter to their Identity Beliefs.
“Come On, Ananya, You’ll Be Fine”
She felt nervous and vulnerable as she stood in front of an audience. A well-meaning friend might have said to her;
Come on, Ananya, you’ll be fine. Look at all the friendly faces in the audience.
These words would not calm Ananya or shift her Edited Reality. Her System 1 was gearing up for Fight, Flight or Freeze (FFF), because her Identity told her she was ‘not good enough’. It believes she’s at risk and wants to move her away from the ‘danger’.
This well-meaning sentence clashes with her Identity Beliefs. And so her System 1 resists it; it won’t shift her Edited Reality of the moment.
If the friend worked with Ananya’s Edited Reality, she might get through to her. For example, if she had Rapport with Ananya, she might say;
“You look nervous, Ananya, and I guess it isn’t easy to… notice all the friendly faces in the audience.”
This phrase is quietly powerful; each part of it works on System 1 in a different way.
It starts with a Pacing Statement:
“You look nervous, Ananya…”
It has a ‘Flow Word’ within it:
“And”.
It has a ‘Resistance Breaker’:
“… I guess it isn’t easy to…”
Which creates an ‘Embedded Command’:
“… notice all the friendly faces in the audience”.
Because of the Pacing Statement and Flow Word, this phrase matches Ananya’s reality, and her System 1 could relax. And so she is more likely to go with the flow of the statement and accept the instruction to notice the friendly faces.
And so the friend’s words helpfully shift her Edited Reality.
We will explain Pacing Statements and Flow Words next. (Resistance Breakers and Embedded Commands are tools from the next Chapter, Skill 7, Speechcraft).
If our inspiring messages are going to get through, they need to be ‘in accord’ with our client’s beliefs.
One way to do this is to reflect your client’s reality, even when your aim points somewhere else.
This is what Skill 6, Stay in Accord, helps us to do. Simply and efficiently, Flow Words make your message sound as if it is in accord with your client’s beliefs, reducing resistance to your message.
We’ll take a closer look at Flow Words and then return to Eddard and show how they influenced his magical words with Jacqui.
Flow Words
A little while ago, I watched an episode of a reality TV show based on a sales assistant. He wasn’t selling many cars and was keen to learn anything that would help him succeed.
The show took him to work with a stand-up comic, and together they played the “Yes, and” game.
The idea was that the comedian would say some pretty crazy things. The salesman had to agree by replying, “Yes, and…”. Then he could follow up with whatever he wanted to say.
It was good TV and very funny…
The salesman had a quick mind and sharp wit, so the two bounced off each other well. And yet, beneath the TV showmanship was a vital truth.
The point the comic made was to stop saying “but” or “no” to clients. Always to say “yes, and” and then you can follow with whatever comment you like and still sound as if you are in Accord.
The TV show then cut back to some previously filmed clips of the salesman with customers at the car showroom. It was revealing. Someone would come in, and he’d greet them nicely enough.
He’d ask them what sort of car they were after. After hearing what they said they needed, he often replied with the word “but”.
His knowledge meant he often had a better idea than the customer of which car suited their needs and budget. And although he was trying to be helpful, the word ‘but’ has a hidden message.
It says to your client, ‘I’m going to contradict you,’ breaking Rapport and trust, and often, the sale.
To show you what I mean, try this. The following two sentences are very similar. Say them to yourself and see how they affect you:
- “You are doing well with impress™, but you will get better with practice.”
- “You are doing well with impress™, and you will get better with practice”.
For most of us, the word ‘but’ the first sentence spoils the intention of the first half of the sentence. What people actually hear is,
You’re doing well… but you’re not doing well really.
In sentence no. 2, the use of ‘and’ makes the two halves agree with each other. It sounds more like genuine praise.
They are linking words, which keep the flow of your sentence going. Flow Words reduce resistance to your ideas. They help your client feel comfortable enough to accept your message.
‘Yes’ can add additional momentum when placed in front of these words. That is why the game is called “yes, and… .”
So the car salesman used “yes, and…” instead of “but” with customers from then on. This change meant he could still suggest alternative cars to the customer while seeming to agree. No surprises, then, that his sales shot up.
But… Please Also Note
While the word “but” can hinder Rapport, it can be helpful to us if used with intention. When we understand its effect – signalling a pivot or change of direction from the first part of the sentence – “but” can be useful.
For example, someone might say:
“I know you’re sad you failed the exam, but I still believe in your ability to succeed”.
Used this way, “but” pivots away from the problem towards possibility.
The key is being aware of how you are using it and the meaning you will convey.
With this insight, “but” transforms from Rapport-breaker to a tool for gracious redirection.
Pacing
Pacing is saying out loud what your client is already thinking or feeling.
I can safely say that no one wants to be confronted by an angry man with a machete. Unfortunately, on one hot summer’s day it happened to me.
A man was walking the streets bare-chested, waving a machete and shouting. Passers-by called the police, and it was my patch, so I went.
As soon as he saw my uniform, it was like a magnet to him. Over he came, yelling and shrieking and waving the machete menacingly at me. It was very threatening. I quietly called over the radio for backup.
This was in the UK, so I didn’t have a gun. And it was before we were equipped with Pepper Spray. All I had was my wits, so I decided to Pace him, hoping to calm him down and delay any attack until my backup arrived.
He was shouting, drunk or high, and looked angry. So I attempted to match his volume, pace and tone of voice. I shouted;
Me: “You look angry.”
Angry Chap: “I am.” He shouted back. “And you know why”.
Me: “Yes, and… if I knew why, what would I know?” (Shouting)
Angry Chap: A long, incoherent rant followed. He’d lost his dog and believed some mystery person had taken it. Apparently, this phantom was watching him all the time.
Me: “You’re angry because someone has taken your dog.”
Angry Chap: “Yes, really angry. They’ve got my dog.” (Now he’d offloaded a bit, he was loud but not shouting)
Me: “I hear you, they’ve got your dog, and that’s made you angry”. (Firm but not shouting).
Angry Chap: “Yeah”. (Almost speaking normally). “What are you going to do about it?”
Me: “Yeah. Now I know why you’re angry.” (Talking normally and desperately trying to think of what I could say next to good effect). “You want your dog back. I love dogs”.
I was running out of things to say. But he had calmed down a lot, and I was wondering how I could get him in handcuffs without setting him off again.
Just then, we heard police sirens. My backup.
His eyes flickered with alarm. I was worried he’d be triggered, and I’d be back to square one. So I decided I’d Pace exactly what I imagined he’d be thinking;
Me: “You can hear the police coming.”
Angry Chap: “Yes, I can”.
Me: “You don’t like the thought of more police coming”.
Angry Chap: “No, no…”
Me: “And we know they’ll come now. Nothing will stop them.”
Angry Chap: “Yes, they’ll come”. He went silent, hands dropped to his sides.
It was so lucky for me that he had calmed down at this point. He was ready to boil again, no doubt, but Pacing had given me some Rapport with him, and he was open to my suggestions.
Eddard and I often marvelled at how quickly Pacing worked for us. Before we knew about the power of Pacing and Rapport, we would have approached this sort of situation with threats and warnings. And almost always, we’d end up fighting. Pacing seemed like a magic trick to us.
We need to make this go well, don’t we? What shall we do?” (Talking softly).
Angry Chap: After a pause, the machete clattered to the floor. Then he put his hands together in front of him, showing that he’d accept handcuffs. Clearly, this was not a new experience for him.
I handcuffed him and talked calmly and reassuringly. Moments later, the fast-response car screeched to a halt. Two of my shift colleagues jumped out, ready for a drama.
They looked at me and said, “Alright, Mark?” Then, looking at Angry Chap and a bit annoyed, said, “What’s all the fuss about?!”
Moments like that, and many others, taught me that Rapport isn’t a polite social skill. It’s a discipline forged in chaos, one that made us effective when it mattered most.
When I turned up, Angry Chap was looking for a fight and…
… anything I said that wasn’t passive would have set him off. But you can’t be submissive in these situations, either.
So I just said anything that seemed to me to match his state of mind. I tried to phrase what I thought he was thinking. As best I could, I copied his thoughts, speed, volume and tone of voice. In other words, I Paced him.
Have another read of the conversation between Angry Chap and me. Note how my every word was an attempt to mirror his mood and thoughts. Note how I led him to be calmer by first matching his volume, pace and tone of voice before lowering and slowing mine. As good as gold, he followed my lead and calmed down.
And that’s what Pacing is. I did nothing to inflame things. What I said felt comfortable to Angry Chap because it was a perfect fit for his thoughts.
Pacing satisfies our ancient need to be heard.
It communicates respect, builds acceptance, and lowers resistance before persuasion. There was no argument, so it took the wind out of his sails.
He calmed down. And then, because he was more stable, he could process what the approaching police car meant and how to deal with it. Pacing is hugely Rapportful. It made him trust me and feel safe with me. So he gave himself up to me.
The ‘Pacing’ Element of ‘Stay in Accord’ is quite literal.
You use words that reflect your client’s intentions, thoughts or feelings as if you’re walking in their shoes or seeing the world through their eyes.
Don’t disagree, doubt or challenge. And it’s essential to avoid signalling agreement either. You stay neutral while saying something that reflects your clients’ state of mind.
Pacing is so Rapportful, I could easily have included it in Skill 3, Practice Rapport. In fact, the whole of Stay in Accord could be viewed as a Rapport Skill. And indeed, it is.
But it needs its own chapter because this skill does more than help you make magnetic connections. It creates a subtle shift in the way you speak that makes you more influential.
Once accord is established, Speechcraft shapes what you say next. The Speechcraft Builder is where that happens.
Open the Speechcraft Builder in the ‘Library section of the 7 Skills app
Eddard and His Magical Words to Jacqui
When I’m building Rapport, Pacing is a crucial factor that gets me success. Eddard valued it immensely, too. It took so much confrontation out of his work.
Eddard didn’t know what was going to come out of his mouth when Jacqui said she was going to put the phone down.
He had recovered, though, and was ready, calm and focused. He had his Outcome set. He was Managing his State, and he knew that Rapport was there to be regained in a moment.
While building Rapport earlier, he’d found out a bit of what Jacqui did with her children in happier times.
He had been using IMP, had worked out Jacqui’s Persuasion Pathways, and had practised The Elevate Formula, Stay in Accord and Speechcraft. (Skill 7 covered in the next chapter).
He trusted that System 2 would be driving his Outcome and sort out the right words. After all, he had given his mind a lot to work with.
Eddard knew his first words had to pace Jacqui’s reality. And he would never utter the word ‘but’. Which is why his first words were:
Yes, I know you’re going to put the phone down and…
Now you can see why he chose that phrase, and the quiet power within it.
As he spoke, he didn’t know what was going to come next. But his System 2 sorted out his thinking in quick time. This is what followed:
Before you do, I’d like to ask you one question.
Jacqui simply replied,
OK
This was a big moment; Eddard had achieved the Outcome, ‘To keep Jacqui on the Phone’. (Note, he didn’t set the Outcome, ‘To stop Jacqui putting down the phone’. That would have been a Negative Command. System 1’s scanning work is then directed by the words that describe what you don’t want to happen.)
The second half of that crucial sentence contained another language drill, a ‘Cause and Effect’, “… before you do …”. We’ll learn about this and more language patterns in Chapter 7.
The Quiet Power of Agreement
Stay in Accord works around a client’s protective, and often outdated, Identity Beliefs, quietly slipping your ideas into System 1. It puts you in a position to influence people others can’t, even those who are angry, resistant, or defiant.
In the next chapter, we look at the last of The 7 Skills to impress™, ‘Speechcraft’. This skill combines beautifully with Stay in Accord.
It shows us how to phrase words in a way that fast-tracks them straight into a client’s System 1. Once there, they will reshape their Edited Reality in line with your ethical Outcome.
Speechcraft completes the circle of the 7 Skills to impress™. With Skills 1 – 6, you have become focused and calm.
You have a magnetic connection with your client, and you know how to phrase your messages to find the fast-track channels into your client’s System 1.
You can phrase your language to lift their pressure and inspire them with hope. And you can make your suggestions sound agreeable, even if they contradict your client’s Edited Reality.
With Speechcraft, you’ll add drills that make your language compelling, uplifting, and almost hypnotic, a skillset that turns influence into inspiration.
And you’ll learn a simple, bulletproof process for crafting inspiring speeches.
Up Next: Skill 7 of The 7 Skills to impress™: Speechcraft. Click here.
Previous Chapter
Index
Glossary of Terms
References:
- Sleight of Mouth, R Dilts. Meta Publications 1999.
- Wordweaving, The Science of Suggestion: T Silvester, Quest Institute 2003.
- Wordweaving 11, The Question is the Answer, T Silvester, Quest Institute 2006.
